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April 10, 2008

On my desk for months now, a huge hammer: a symbol of what? I don't know, but it's presence is beneficial to me and at moments gives me that assurance which must be familiar to all who take shelter behind some certainty or other.

E.M. Cioran

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.


The Canadian Museum of Snack Art is having its grand opening this weekend. On view will be big paintings of sandwiches and bags of chips.
For rent: the top third of my apartment. Spacious and roomy. Must be able to hover. $45/month. Box 309.
Willing to trade my collection of empty fabric softener boxes for any kind of foreign currency. Box 11.
For sale: a photograph of David Lloyd George squinting. $2 OBO. Box 1187.



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Statute of Limitations Runs Out

Fern Bilbao, a spokesperson for the Supreme Court of Canada, over a light lunch in the Court's cafeteria, revealed that the Court had decided that Bernard Glister, who was alleged to have been something of a jackass at a party in 1991, could not be brought to trial as the Statute of Limitations on being a jackass had expired over two years ago.
Crown Attorney Max Vollume stated "This is a black day. Or at least a fairly grey one." He vowed to continue prosecuting what he called "jerks".
Mr Glister, who, truth be told, is still something of a ass, on being informed of his good fortune, whooped loudly and made a rude gesture in the general direction of this reporter.


Hundreds not Injured

Hundreds of people were not injured earlier this week in a non-incident at a resort nowhere near Mexico.
Tourists had been visiting the resort and found that they were able to get into their rooms without difficulty and enjoy a good night's sleep.
Cleanup costs are expected to run into the tens of dollars.
An unnamed source at the Canadian Embassy told this reporter "We were lucky this time."


Sappho a Man?

Classicists across the globe were stunned yesterday by the publication of the noted Greek scholar Theodore T. Boate's essay The Dude of Lesbos in The Daily Hellenist.
Boate's contention is that the poems of the famous lyric poet Sappho of Lesbos were, in fact, written by a man named Larry.
This Larry is supposed to have lived next door to a schoolteacher named Satchmo which is the corrupt source of the name.
Boate, by examining the poems themselves, by sifting through the archaelogical record (with a sifter) and by making things up in his head, has come to the conclusion that Larry was very shy and didn't want his mum to know he was a poet so he wrote Satchmo on all his poems.
Here is the relevant section of the essay:

Larry was a terrible printer and the Greeks, who possessed no eyeglasses or good reading lamps, read Satchmo as Sappho. They also misread several of the poems. For instance the fragment:
In gold sandals/ Dawn that very moment/ awoke me should read:
In brown sandals/ Don that afternoon/ whupped me.
It refers to Larry's wrestling partner Don, who was known for his snappy footwear.

This is not Dr. Boate's first controversial assertion concerning the Ancients. In 1998 Boate wrote an essay in which he claimed that Gaius Julius Caesar had not invented the salad.


New Cure for Insomnia Discovered

Scientists at the Luxury Institute of Luxembourg have discovered a cure for insomnia.
Dr. Fritz Eben- Emael revealed from his comfy four-poster bed last night that he had finally figured out a cure for insomnia. Before nodding off the Belgian professor stated that "8 solid hours of sleep" have been discovered to cure most bouts of insomnia.
Patients who slept an uninterrupted eight hours were found to be well- rested and considerably less cranky than the control group who were kept awake all night and poked with sticks.
Sleepologists the world over consider this a major breakthrough.


nighty night


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Ban Zai