now with commas!    

April 2nd, 2009

The recession, if nothing else, may be good for reacquainting ourselves with the wonders of our surroundings.

Ben McGrath

is updated on Thursdays.


I am a cartographer studying the area around Stittsville, Ontario but I don't much want to go there. If you are, or have been, passing through Stittsville and noticed anything (like the placement of trees and hills and whatnot) please send me some information. Box 1492.
For sale: March hair. Ideal for wearing in parades. $4/foot. Box 11.
For rent: a really nice blue blazer with some Crest smeared on the breast pocket. $12/day. Box 45.
Will trade the letter L for a nice P or lower case m. Box 20.
The WAG is looking for artists for its upcoming show 50 Over 50 featuring fifty emerging artists over the age of fifty. The show will follow next year's Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean part of the gallery's series of shows concerned with over-rated 2oth Century icons.

Tip For Spring Living #2:

It can be very wet and sloshy in the springtime. Always carry a towel so you can dry off.



You could have mail!
If you wrote to us we would write back.

Getting Your Hedge Trimmed:

This week Persiflage's homegrown naturalist, Mr. Backyard teams up with Leonard Derwerthy, the Armchair Grammarian, to present:

get it?

Gardening and the Sexual Euphemism

Ever since people started having sex and talking about it (recently uncovered evidence has revealed that these two things occurred almost simultaneously) gardening has figured prominently as a source of euphemisms.

There is, of course, a good reason for this: sex is dirty and gardening involves dirt. Also there is that business about seeds.

Many of our most cherished lewd asides are, at their root (viz.), gardening related. Hip hop slang, for instance, is rife with allusions to a certain garden implement used for making the rows straight for planting (the adze).

When a woman is interested in participating in sexual acts she is described as "ripe". And when a man is known for his sexual prowess he is described as a "real farmer in the sack".

Quotidian speech is peppered with such expressions. Who hasn't heard a man remark upon seeing a desirable lass: "My beans are coming up nicely"? Or who hasn't themselves expressed an interest in "clearing out the weevils"?

It is only natural that we should equate sex with gardening. Spring is the natural time of year for both activities and they both, very naturally, take place in the early morning in your backyard. OFt times a sprinkler features prominently in both activities.

In fine, do not shy away from this connection but embrace it. Dig your fingers deep into the folds of the natural earth, roll, lolling in the dirt, and go get your hedge trimmed!

The Armchair Grammarian
and Mister Backyard

The Stupid Drunk

Once upon a time there was a stupid drunk. His name was Albert.

Albert was not stupid when he was sober. Quite the contrary, he was an extra-ordinarily clever person full of insight and wit.

Albert had many, many interesting things to say on a number of subjects as he was really quite well read. And not only was Albert highly intelligent but he was also sensitive and caring and always attuned to the needs of others. But all that went out the window when he was drunk.

When he was drunk, Albert was stupid, obnoxious and physically awkward. He stumbled into things and lurched into people, he swore, he told off-colour jokes and made fun of the perceived shortcomings of others.

And yet, somehow, most people preferred Albert drunk.

C.F. Maynard



In the interests of producing an audience that is fat and satisfied, PERSIFLAGE presents here the World's Easiest Cake Recipe. If you remain slim and cranky after receiving this information we have no sympathy for you.

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug (microwave safe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg. Mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if you are using them, if not, then don't add them...ever!). Add vanilla extract (Guinness can be substituted here I am reliably told). Mix again (arms tired yet?). Put mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts. The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but try and remain calm. Allow to cool a little (the mug I mean), and then shovel it into your yap!
Might be an idea to grease the mug (not a euphemism) before doing any of this.