persiflage

April 30th, 2009

Swearing has the same soothing effect upon our angry passions that smashing the furniture or slamming the doors is so well known to exercise; added to which it is much cheaper.

Jerome K. Jerome

Classifieds

Looking to avoid the mosquitoes this summer? Why not try an all natural alternative to insect repellents? I am Larry the Insect Shield Guy and for a smallish fee I can completely enclose you in a hermetically sealed case to protect you from bugs. No need to worry about side effects from the dangerous chemicals used in most repellents. The only known side effect to the Insect Shield is asphyxiation. Send inquiries to Box 22.
For rent: small cabinet on the shore of Lake Winnipeg. Ideal for storing dishes or knick-knacks. $110/week May-June; $450/week July-August. Box 19.
For sale: kitty booties. Ideal for walking on hot tin roofs (or is that rooves?). 1$ ea. or 4 for 4$. Box 836637733.

Tips For Spring Living:

Number 6: Spring is the time of year at which the plant life of the planet chooses to attack our respiratory systems. Strike back. Kick a tree!

Archives

Links

persiflagemag@hotmail.com

Half-Sprung

Spring officially began at 6:44AM (CST) on March 20, 2009. Summer officially begins at forty-five minutes after midnight on June 21st, 2009. That means that spring this year will last exactly 93 days (give or take).
We are, therefore, as the more mathematically among you may have already surmised, fast approaching the halfway point of spring (It will actually occur at 3:44:30 AM on May 6th, 2009 if you want to get up and do something fun to celebrate - I'm planning on having a pee).

Public Service Announcement

Is your pig sick? Does he/she spend all his/her time attempting to look regal whilst swimming majestically along the riverbank? It is possible that he/she may be suffering from Swan Flu. Take him/her immediately to the nearest Emergency Veterinary Clinic and have him tested. You yourself are in no danger as long as you do not kiss him/her on the lips but just to be on the safe side you may want to wear a Nixon mask.

Thought of the Week

Most people are like slinkies: not of much use but they'll provide you with a laugh if you give them a shove at the top of the stairs.

Gratuitous Cute Cat Picture

Panic Positive?

An extremely recent study, commissioned by Fox News and CNN, has discovered that panic is actually good for you.
Scientists at the Institute for Managed Panic Studies (IMPS) revealed at a press conference only moments ago, that daily panicking has health benefits that have heretofore been unsurmised.
It now appears that running about, flailing your arms and shrieking will not only tire you out so you sleep better at nights, but will also assure you get lots of quality alone time.
The fellows at the Institute emphasise that these panic sessions must be scheduled into your regular routine as there is no way to guarantee that real world events will line up in such a way as to precipitate a panic.
They suggest in the morning before going to work or school but never too soon after eating for fear of severe cramping.

(PNS)

The Mystery of the Lost Lenore

A Serial Audio Fiction

Listen to Part Three of the tremendously exciting story of The Mystery of the Lost Lenore merely by clicking on the delightful landscape pictured above. It will only take three minutes and thirty-two seconds of your time. Well, once the thing loads that is. How long that takes depends on your computer. Or the computer you are currently using. You might be at work. In which case that isn't really your computer is it? If you think it is then try taking it home and see what happens. If you say I told you to I will deny it.

The Mailbag

Dear Persiflage,

I represent a small group of squirrels who travel around the country educating people on the subject of nuts. Often when we are doing a presentation at a school or business we find that people have no idea how many uses nuts can be put to. Have you ever considered using the forum of PERSIFLAGE to educate your audience about nuts and their uses?

Sincerely,
Chatterer R. Squirrel

Dear Mr. Squirrel,

You will be pleased to learn that we are currently working on a special edition of PERSIFLAGE devoted entirely to nuts. No doubt it will be right up your alley. Or should I say trunk?

Sincerely,
Hugh Briss

Dear Persiflage,

I was once abducted by aliens. My parents paid their ransom of 100 digital watches and an autographed picture of Morley Safer. Ever since then I have been trying to tell my story to as many people as I can. Would you be interested in posting a lengthy interview with me on your site?

Sincerely,
A Small and Very Odd Man

Dear Teensy Loony,

No.

Very Sincerely,
HB

Dear Persiflage,

This is the first time I have written a letter. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Betty Fardahar

Dear Ms. Fardahar,

Nicely done!

Sincerely,
Hugh Briss