persiflage
is updated weakly
April 7th, 2011
Dantur opes nullis nunc nisi divitibus.
(Wealth now is given to no one, unless they are rich)
Marcus Valerius Martialis
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Looking for a date this weekend? Why not try Uncle Elmo's Date-o-rama? Dates are absolutely guaranteed for everybody! How is that possible you ask? Uncle Elmo will go out with anybody, even you! Call 555-Elmo and ask for Elmo.
Need to store something quickly? Incriminating evidence piling up? Mr. X will pick up the items at your home or at the scene of the crime and cart it away to one of his secure facilities on very short notice. Call 287-SHED 24/7.
The Institute of Unsettling Stuff is seeking any photographic evidence that Yetis or Abominable snowmen ever visited the Curtis. And this is for an upcoming court case so please reply promptly.
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part One Hundred
Click on the picture. (3:42)
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The Further Adventures of Steve the Powerpointing Elf
As you will no doubt recall, Steve the Powerpointing Elf was in the habit of suddenly popping into people's lives with wondrous gifts which he presented to them AFTER explaining said gift in a fairly entailed Powerpoint presentation.
A lot of other elves (or elfs if you prefer) would just give people gifts and walk away. Some in fact would never even make contact with their bestowees. They would just leave a gift in the dead of night.
Steve thought this lacked a certain class. He also thought that it did not maximize gift appreciation to its full potential. There might be people who did not fully understand what they had been given. They might hold onto their gift for years and not really know what to do with it or how to fully enjoy it.
Steve felt that if he gave a very thorough presentation outlining the many benefits of the gift and perhaps even limning some of the potential downside, then this would benefit everyone involved.
Some of the other elves thought that the Powerpoint thing was a bit of a CYA move on Steve's part. They thought Steve was trying to cut off any potential complaints. It is possible that this formed part of his motivation. After all, there had been that incident.
It had happened early in Steve's career. He had gone into a forest to give a lone lumberjack the gift of a magical axe. The lumberjack had been somewhat stunned by the sudden appearance of Steve in the midst of his workday and he had, rather dumbly, accepted the magical axe without really asking any questions. The next day he realised that even though the axe was magical it was not at all faster for cutting down trees than the chainsaw he was already using. The lumberjack threw the magical axe into the garbage where it was eventually found by a maniac who used it to threaten some park rangers. Eventually the maniac was restrained and tasered into docility but some people blamed Steve for the whole nasty business. Shortly after the incident Steve began Powerpointing.
One day Steve was sent back to the very same forest where he had given the lumberjack the axe. This time he was supposed to give another different lumberjack a magical mackinaw which would protect him from all kinds of inclement weather up to and including hurricanes and tornadoes.
Steve had prepared an hour long presentation with lots of pictures of the damage that really strong winds can do and he had even included a short clip from the Wizard of Oz. He was very proud of this particular Powerpoint. He thought it might be his best ever.
But when Steve tried to show the lumberjack his presentation there was not enough battery power in his laptop. There was nowhere to plug in the computer in the forest and the lumberjack refused to accompany Steve to the closest hotel where Steve thought he might be able to plug in. The lumberjack had no patience for any of Steve's suggestions and demanded the mackinaw without first viewing the Powerpoint presentation.
As a result the lumberjack did not realise how magical the mackinaw was and when the tornado struck he was not wearing it but kind of a lame Gore-Tex all weather coat and so he was killed.
C. F. Maynard
Monthly Persiflage a Possibility?
Discussions have begun at the upper levels of PERSIFLAGE concerning the possibility of switching to a monthly format.
If the change is made updates will occur once per month instead of once per week. Thereafter PERSIFLAGE will appear monthly, that is to say, once in January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and so forth.
If such a change is made it will likely begin May 1st, in honour of the decreased labour involved. If regular Persiflage readers (should such a thing exists) have any questions or comments they should contact PERSIFLAGE directly as soon as possible.
Big Move Contemplated
Jarvis Harmond, a young man in his mid to late twenties, is contemplating possibly, at some future point, applying to go to dental school.
He is not totally sure if that is something he wants to do but may decide to give it a go as early as this fall if he hasn't already missed the application deadline. He thinks he may have though.
It might be better to wait and think about it some more anyway. Putting your hands in other people's mouths all day? Jarvis isn't sure he would dig that.
