demystifying the mystifying since 2001 

August 19th, 2010

Last night I dreamed that you and I had words.



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The Mystery of the Lost Lenore

Listen to Part Sixty-Nine

Click on the picture. (2:26)

Or start from the beginning.



How to Decipher Your Dreams

A lot of us have dreams (I should clarify here; when I say (or more accurately write) "dreams" I mean those strange visions you have while you are asleep and NOT your daytime aspiration to be pals with Justin Bieber or win a Silver Medal in the Luge).

What's more is that a lot of us are pretty confused by them. Upon waking we say to ourselves (or anyone who happens to be handy - lucky you!) "Why was I snowmobiling with Winston Churchill? And why did I put a carrot in his ear?" or such like.

There is a good reason why dreams are so confusing. As I have said before (see archives - and no, I'm not telling you which date, Mister Lazy! (or possibly Ms. Lazy) dreams are messages sent to your conscious mind by your sub or un (I forget which) conscious mind.

Unfortunately your sub/unconscious mind does not speak English (or whatever your tongue (and presumably the rest of your mouth) is). Thus these messages are hopelessly garbled and confusing. But fret not. Scientists (god bless 'em) have discovered a sort of mental Esperanto by the use of which they can make some sense of just what the inner most recesses of your noggin is driving at - yeah! (Sorry, that "yeah!" was added merely to avoid ending that sentence with a preposition. I don't know what I was thinking of).

Hereafter (or, more accurately, herebeside (not an actual word)) follows a sampling of some of the basic symbols they have "translated".

1) Butter Butter invariably indicates sexual desire. For instance, if you have a dream in which you are buttering the mustache of Tom Selleck it means that you want to have sex with Tom Selleck (or possibly just his mustache). Oddly enough margarine means something else entirely.

2) Water Any dream in which you are on, in or near water, be it a lake, a river, a bathtub or the ocean, is an urgent warning from your subconscious: GET UP! YOU HAVE TO PEE!

3) Penguins A lot of people think that penguins symbolise formality or cold when they appear in dreams but they do not. They indicate a desire on your part to be involved in show business.

4) Old Houses That is to say, houses you used to live in. These indicate a sense of loss. Whenever you have a dream which features a former abode of yours it means that you should go back there (once you wake up) and get that thing that you left there. Whatever it was.

5) Birds Birds can fly. Flys are used to zip up pants. You pant when you are tired (or at least I do). Birds represent exhaustion. If you dream of birds you should probably get more sleep. Try not to dream as it can be tiring.

6) Famous People Celebrities and historical figures regularly appear in dreams and they almost invariably indicate one thing: you do not feel you are famous enough to star in your own dreams. In other words you feel inadequate. Have you tried being more famous?

We hope this short sampling has proved helpful. Sweet dreams!