August 5th, 2010
One who is enough of a simpleton to become a writer is capable of any folly.
Edward Dahlberg
Classifieds
For rent: large two bedroom bungalow located on a quiet street in the West End. Must be willing to share with large infestation of vermin. They have a cottage though and are away weekends in the summer. Inquire about rates. Box 220.
NOW AVAILABLE: Steppin' Into It, the autobiography of Justin Bieber. Here is an excerpt:
Why then do I do it? I have nothing better to do with my life than to write a book and perhaps nothing worse. Besides, it is a delusion to believe that one has a choice. If this book is a great defect, then let it be; for I have come to a time in my life when it is absolutely important to compose a good memoir although it is also a negligible thing if I should fail. Fame, when not purchased, is an epitaph which the rains and birds peck until the letters on the headstone are illegible.
Exciting stuff huh? Order yours today!
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Sixty-Seven
Click on the picture. (3:36)
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Here is a speech recently delivered by our own Hugh Briss to the graduating college of _________ University (name withheld by request).
To You Who Are Just Starting Out
A Commencement Address
For you graduates who are just starting out on the journey we like to call "life" or who are just beginning your careers, so called because they so much resemble an out of control downhill race, this is an exciting time. I mean, of course, exciting time of life generally. I do not think that sitting here in your gowns sweating in this still room on folding chairs is an exciting time. I am not that much of a fuddy-duddy!
Things are indeed changing for you. You are leaving behind an institution that has been your home for four or more years. As homes go it has not been a very comfortable one as there are few really comfortable places to lie down and nothing good in the fridge but never mind, a home of sorts it has been. But now you must enter into the "real world" so-called.
The "real world" is an interesting place with a very different set of rules than your beloved halls of academe. For one thing you will no longer be graded on things. That's right, there will no longer be a number of letter value attached to everything you do. I will give you a moment to digest that as there were a number of audible gasps from the midst of your group and I want to give those people a chance to regain their composure.
Better? Okay, I will continue. From now on you will not really know how you are doing in any of your pursuits until you are either a) promoted or given a raise or b), and this is a good deal more likely, escorted from the building by security. I know this is shocking but prepare yourself as here is another shocking piece of news: you, that's right - you, are now responsible for your behaviour and performance.
Sadly this is true. You yourself, without outside assistance, must make it in to work, do your job according to the standards laid out by your employers and somehow get yourself home at the end of the day. I will not lie to you: this is very challenging and not very pleasant to boot. Also, going into your boss's office and explaining why you couldn't manage the above is not likely to be met with any sort of understanding. At least not more than once. It is a cruel world.
So what is my advice to you? What can I say to you that will help alleviate your suffering in this new set of circumstances? I have for you two words: graduate school.
Thank you and good luck.
The Bear Who Despised
A.A. Milne
She didn't even like honey. She was not fat and she was not lazy. Well, she was maybe carrying a few extra pounds left over from the birth of her second cub but still, she was not fat.
She had never even seen a kangaroo never mind befriended one. She knew that tiger had only one g and had she come across a little piglet she may very well have eaten it (after removing its sweater of course).
This Milne person she felt had slandered bears and given humans a very false idea of who they were. That fellow she had mauled last week for instance. Standing out in the woods with his camera and his jar of honey. What was he thinking?
She supposed that maybe Milne had never even see a bear, his descriptions were so far off the mark. In fact he had probably never seen a rabbit or an owl either. The rabbit and the owl in his book did not resemble in any way the rabbits and owls she knew. She had never heard an owl anything she considered intelligent. As a matter of fact they rarely said anything. They were always tired from staying up all night.
And the rabbits weren't accurate either. She said that she understood the concept of fiction and even of children's literature, she wasn't raised by wolves after all, but she thought that these stories were so crazy and far fetched that they were damaging.
But really, the bear just hated anthropomorphising. So she hired a lawyer and sued.
C.F. Maynard
