PERSIFLAGE:

less exclusive than you might think

August 7th, 2008

The pet shark may be the new pit bull - the mascot of the outsized ego, the Hummer of the living room.

Mike Peed

It's always a pleasure to watch the rich enjoying the pleasures of the poor.

Alan Jay Lerner

I hate almost all rich people but I think I'd be darling at it.

Dorothy Parker

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.

Classifieds

Looking for a chateau in the South of France? Why not give me a call? I'm Larry, the Chateau Guy and I can fulfill all your chateaux needs. Box 1110.
Every year we are forced to pay a percentage of our income to the government and for what? If you are tired of paying taxes that are used to support other people who have less money (or fewer monies) than you then why not join us, we're The Rich Guys Who Don't Like Poor People Organization (RGWDLPPO). We'll help you find ways to preserve your money for such necessities as nice shirts and magazine subscriptions instead of wasting it on putting out a fire at somebody else's house or building another stupid bridge over some river or other. We meet once a month in the parking lot outside Sears at Polo Park. A lot of us wear hats.

Links

persiflagemag@hotmail.com

The House Project

Looking for something to do on the weekend of August 9th and 10th? Why not saunter by the garage behind 880 Grosvenor? You might see some art AND get a hot dog (not a euphemism). Doin's between 12 and 6 (pm obviously).

Me? I Like Money

PERSIFLAGE's Guide to Investing

If you're like me you have a lot of extra money lying around that you would like to see working for you (or better yet instead of you.) That only makes sense. Why should your money get a free ride?

One of the best ways to get your money working for you is to invest it. This way a dollar can earn, in a good year, five or more dollars (if he/she applies himself/herself and works hard) and that is five dollars that you didn't have to earn. So ask yourself this: if Louis Rukeyser's money is working for Louis Rukeyser* then why can't [insert your name here]'s money work for [insert the same name here]?

But before you start investing or "playing with the market", as we like to say, there are some things you should know.

First of all your money may choose not to work for you but to just lay there or, worse yet, go off and work for someone else. This is something that you must prepare yourself for. If you cannot accept this then you are not ready to start investing.

I find the best way to judge if you are ready to accept the inherent risks of the stock market is to try the following test:

Roll a ten dollar bill up in the palm of your hand until it forms a small ball. Open a nearby window and in a sweeping sideways motion invest it (the money not the window) in some small stock. Still feeling okay? Good you are ready.

The second thing that one must know before entering the stock market is the difference between a "bull" market and a "bear" market. Now a lot of people think that a "bull" market is where one buys bulls and a "bear" market if where one buys bears. This is a bit of foolishness. In fact, a "bull" market is where one buys things for bulls and a "bear" market is where one buys things for, you guessed it, bears. It is essential that you know this because otherwise you could end up investing in nose rings for bears. Now bulls love nose rings but they remind bears of the bad old days of bear baiting and so they are immensely unpopular with the ursine crowd. If you made such a foolsih investment your money would earn nothing.

Another thing to bear in mind when investing money is this: invest in something that is going to increase in value.

Lastly let me just say this: if you truly want to be successful in your attempts to make money by investing you must be willing to wear a bowtie. I am not sure why but people (especially men for some reason) who were bowties seem to be much more successful in the stock market. I have no idea why this is true but it is. Now I realise that a lot of you are squeamish about attaching such a thing to your neck and, frankly, I don't blame you but remember this: Orville Redenbacher was a very rich man and, from what I hear, quite a hit with the ladies. I'm just saying.

E.Watermuldar

*Actually Louis Rukeyser died in 2006 so his money is no longer working for him.

The Immensely Wealthy Fellow

A Story About Money (obviously)

I am an immensely wealthy fellow. If you were to think of all the money you had ever made in your entire life that is still less than I have in my pocket right now. And these aren't even my good pants!

I realize that it is very hard for someone like you to understand what it is like to be someone like me but I will try and explain it by describing my life.

Every morning I am awoken by a different solid gold monkey in my employ. All of these monkeys are kept solely to wake me. I am so rich that they don't have to do anything else but watch TV and gamble online.

For breakfast I often have a Tyrannosaurus Rex egg on toast. But not ordinary toast. Solid gold toast! Not gold leaf toast, not gold plate toast but solid gold toast. And I have the crusts cut off and thrown away! That's how rich I am.

A lot of mornings I amuse myself by writing huge cheques made out to me and then I have someone else try and cash them without adequate ID. Other mornings I burn million dollar bills in a Hibachi on one of my hundreds of balconies!

For lunch I go out somewhere nice and expensive, order the priciest thing on the menu and then I don't eat it. And when they ask me if I want it wrapped up I say no. Then because I am usually still pretty hungry, I buy an entire cow, an entire imported cow, and have it cooked and then I eat just some of it on a cracker. A solid gold cracker!

In the afternoon I buy several cars, really nice ones, and then drive them into things real fast and just abandon them.

Evenings are spent writing libellous letters about extremely litigious people and sending them to newspapers to be printed as full page color ads. Then I go to bed in one of my Emperor-sized four poster beds. All of which are solid gold!

Get it!