December 11th, 2008
What could be better than spending time with family over the holidays? No seriously, what?
Elrose Watermuldar
PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.
Classifieds
For rent: presents I gave to people I didn't like last Christmas and then stole from them when they weren't looking. Ask me about selection. Box 0.
For sale: a photograph of Santa eating a plate of cookies I left out. Complete with evidence stamp. $100 OBO. Box 29.
The new self actualisation program for underachievers with low self-esteem, Smarten Up Loser! will begin meetings at the St. James Civic Center Saturday mornings in the new year. Meetings start at 9:00 am sharp so haul your stupid ass out of bed and get the hell down here on time, fatty!
Free Downloadable Christmas Card
Tips For Winter Living
Number Four:
The cold weather can make you want to stay home and stop socialising but that's no reason to cut back on your drinking. The Liquor Commission delivers!
Comments? Questions? Other verbiage? persiflagemag@hotmail.com
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THE MORON PROOF GUIDE
TO
PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFTS
If you want to get gifts for all your friends and family that are utterly (and completely) wonderful and perfect for them and only them then I guess the first thing is to divide your possible gift recipients into sub-groups.
First of all we know, as an absolute fact, that men and women, boys and girls, guys and dolls (however one chooses to divide them) do not like the same sorts of things constructed, as they are, from entirely different materials (spices and dogtails if memory serves). Therefore our first subdivision is into male and female.
We also know that people of different age groups have vastly different tastes in things. Grandma, for instance, has no desire to recieve a DVD of Season One of Gossip Girl (as far as we know). But this is a perfectly appropriate gift for any girl under the age of thirty.
With these simple guidelines in mind we hereby present the Foolproof Persiflage Christmas (or other religious or semi-religious or not religious at all holiday) Guide for Perfect Gifts.
E.Watermuldar
Boys (1-14)
Young boys are not very interesting but they are interested in anything that is either gross or possibly dirty. At the younger end of this scale aim for gross at the upper end, dirty. South Park videos fit the bill in all cases.
Girls (0-11)
Little girls like pretty things. Bows, kittens, tutus (not Desmond), and funny candies with cute sayings on them. The ideal gift for a girl this age is a piglet doll during his (or is it her?) ballet phase. Score!
Boys (14-40)
See above: Boys (1-14)
Girls (11-30)
Clothes. Sorry, can't give you any more direction than that. A brave person asks.
Men (40-65)
This is a group in terrible need of ego bolstering. These poor saps have begun to realise that they are past it and are desirous of a way to block that knowledge from creeping up to the front of their brains. Booze is good for this.
Women (30-70)
These girls are now, in a lot of ways, women and as such they are much more certain about what they don't want. They like movies that feature people crying and music that points out how badly boys/men have let them down. We recommend anything that is connected with Edith Piaf which oddly enough includes Steven Spielberg's Saving Private Ryan.
Old Men (65+)
Old men love to complain. It is a good idea to give them something to complain about. Itchy sweaters, books with really small print and cans of nuts that are difficult to open and that are mostly peanuts are all good for priming the pump.
Old Women (70+)
This is a difficult age to buy for as these people have ceased to censor themselves. If you buy them something they don't like you are likely to hear about it. Over and over and over.
Some kind of food is a good idea provided you do the research as there are things to avoid: foods that cause constipation or diarrhea, foods that are difficult to chew or that stick to dentures or that are too spicy or salty or sugary or just plain weird. On second thought maybe a nice framed picture of Daniel O'Donnell is a better idea.
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