December 17th, 2009
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
Traditional Xmas Joke
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Thirty-Five
Click on the picture. (4:09)
Classifieds
For sale: wrapping paper with obscene elves cavorting in an unsavoury manner. $100/roll. Box XXX.
For rent: small child who's really really into Christmas. Ideal for stirring up enthusiasm or killing it utterly. Daily and hourly rates. Box 34.
Sleigh rides. I have a small sled that I can pull up and down my street with you sitting on it if you are not too fat. I'm Larry the Sled Pulling Guy. Box 2.
For sale: One slightly used Hanukkah menorah. Missing eight of the candle holding bits. $2 OBO. Box 998.
For sale: Saturnalia cards featuring hilarious quips from Seneca. Sidesplitting holiday fun! Box of 100 - $75.00. Box 2965.
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Why not send us a cheery Holiday Message ya big grump? persiflagemag@hotmail.com
Christmas Gift Ideas
This can be a stressful and expensive time of year if you have a lot of shopping to do. Deciding on gifts for people can be painful and annoying and paying for gifts can be even more so.
In order to make this time of year a little bit more enjoyable we present here a selection of gift ideas that are inexpensive and easy to obtain. We're not saying their great gifts but at this point what the hell do you care?
Christmas Sweater Dennis is an overweight and quite unfit gentleman who, for a small fee, will come over to your house (or the house of your giftee) and perspire freely.
Mixed Nuts A collection of animal testicles in a sachet is a great conversation starter when placed somewhere conspicuous (under your friend's pillow).
Sheet Music for Carols "sheet music" is, of course, an euphemism for sex. Why not surprise the Carols in your life by offering to have sex with them? Extraordinarily cheap ($1 condom).
Ties Why get Dad a tie when you can, for very little dough, get him a thousand? A bag of zip ties is only about ten bucks at Home Depot. Not really what you'd want to call reusable though.
Bath Products Why let all that good stuff go down the drain? How wasteful! Simply bottle your used bath water in decorative decanters (a bit of ribbon is festive) and distribute to all on your list!
The Persiflage Staff
Celebrating the Holidays
The word "celebrate" is derived from the Latin word celebro which basically means to travel around in a crowd. It is therefore inherent in the very term that celebration requires multiple participants (although I have personally celebrated completely by myself on several occasions - nevermind, an exception proves the rule).
But how does one gather a crowd about oneself? If one wants to wassail and gambol and nog and sleigh and so forth where does one find the necessary gambolers and wassailers et al. with which to gambol et cetera? A celebration needs celebrants.
As you may or may not have noticed, Ole Mother Earth is just chock a block with folks and some of these individuals can easily be roped into participating in your holiday foolishness. How?
Well, everybody likes free things so if you can give away something to everyone who crosses your path then surely some of the recipients will hang about long enough to become embroiled in your reindeer gamees or whatever.
I personally recommend hard candies as they are not expensive and can be easily carried in the pocket. Just remember to keep them in the wrapper. No one likes them once they are covered in pocket lint. (I should not have said no one. There is, no doubt, some twisted individual who will only eat hard candies when they are covered in lint.)
I would also advise you to start your celebratory activity, whatever it may be, very shortly after you have assmebled your crowd. Let's face it, people whose heads are turned by a free hard candy are not going to have a very long attention span.
A little preparation would not go awry. Carry carol sheets, or sleigh bells with you at all times. It might even be an idea to have a thermos full of rum toddies as alcohol is more or less famous for whipping regular holiday-type fun into a frenzy and, as we all know, people are reluctant to walk out on any frenzy.
Anyway good luck and remember, any crowd which has been assembled must also, at some point, be gotten rid of.
Hugh Briss