Seasonally Appropriate Shenanigans For The Easily Amused

December 20th, 2007

Advice for Christmas
from William Blake:

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.

Especially turkey - Ed.


The City of Winnipeg and the Manitoba Liquor Commission will be hosting a free conference on wine coolers on Thursday, December 27 at the Convention Centre. The conference will focus on the changing role of wine coolers in city administration.
The Platform Centre for Photographic and Digital Arts will be running a Dark Room workshop next weekend. Topics covered will be: common locations of light switches, the treatment of shin injuries, the shuffle step and arm swaying for maximum effectiveness. Contact Kegan McFadden to register.
On Thursday, December 27, aceart gallery's erstwhile programmer, Theo Sims, is asking all artists in the community to observe one minute's silence in honour of all the artworks that were damaged in shipping during the last year.
Tired of thinking up New Year's Resolutions? Send away for our free list. Includes such popular ones as: Stop tugging on my eyebrows and Eat more cream style corn. Box 13.


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It Was Christmas Eve

A couple of years ago I had a really strange experience on a Christmas eve.

It was bedtime and the whole apartment complex was unusually quiet. We'd had an infestation of vermin recently but I guess Poulin's had done a good job because there wasn't even a peep from one of those little buggers.

Somehow, for the first time ever, we'd managed to get everything ready for Christmas ahead of time this year and had gotten to bed at a reasonable hour.

The kids were long asleep and were probably already dreaming about all the unhealthy junk they were going to stuff into their little faces tomorrow. Starting at the crack of dawn, no doubt.

My wife was already in bed. Face cream smeared on, her hair tied up. I got into my jammies and climbed into bed hoping that I could stop worrying that I'd forgotten something and maybe have a good sleep.

Then all of a sudden outside the block there was this loud crash, or a clatter I guess you would call it, and so I got up to see what the hell was going on. The stupid venetian blinds were all screwed up and I had to wrestle a bit to get the window open so it took me a minute but once I got that sorted out I could see pretty good. It was a full moon and pretty bright. Out in the parking lot there was some kind of a little sleigh thingy and, this is going to sound crazy I know, but what looked to be some reindeer pulling it.

Now the reindeer were moving fast and consequently everything was a bit blurry but I thought the old dude in the sleigh looked vaguely familiar. He was yelling something. Possibly at the reindeer.

"Dash it, Bosher, Fencer, Nixon," something like that. Then "C'mon stupid, donair blintzes" which I realise doesn't make any sense. He seemed to want them to jump simultaneously to the top of the porch (I guess he meant that thing overhanging the front door) and the top of the wall. But then just like that they all flew up onto the roof of the block.

I could hear them clomping around up there but before I knew it the old guy was somehow in our room.

He was wearing some sort of crazy red fur get-up that might have been fancy at one time but now it was pretty badly soiled. He looked like some sort of dodgy hobo cause he had with him this big brown sack filled with stuff.

His eyes were pretty glazed over and his face and nose were really red so I just assumed he'd been drinking. I remember he had this tiny little mouth and this big white beard and I thought "How come this guy's so filthy and yet his beard is white?".

And he was smoking a pipe and blowing his smoke all over the place which I didn't really appreciate. He was quite a fat guy and he seemed to find the whole thing amusing. Actually he was so fat and funny-looking that it kind of made me laugh. Which I guess was rude and I suppose that might have pissed him off but the way he was winking and twitching somehow I just didn't feel scared. Which was odd given this complete stranger's unannounced presence in my house.

The whole time he was in the apartment he never actually said anything but just went about his business jamming little bits of things, like peanuts in the shell and mandarin oranges and what not, into our socks for some strange reason. When he was done he flashed me some sort of signal with his finger and then climbed up our chimney, which I had always thought was ornamental.

Then he and his reindeer just took off. I looked out the window and watched him go. As he disappeared into the distance he yelled something but I'm afraid I didn't quite catch it.

It was all pretty weird.

Ah, Christmas...

and throughout
the many stores
and malls
of this well-
illuminated town,
harried and sweating
shoppers elbow
their way through
drooling, stupified
crowds seeking
that elusive
perfect gift.
And me?
    I shop on the net.

Sally Kind

Christmas Rap

I could never
the corners
of the brightly
coloured, festive
to meet.

white showing.
My presents won't
withstand scrutiny.

it's the thought
that counts.


The Friendly Uncle

Uncle Glennie Reads A Christmas Story