December 30th, 2010 and
January 6th, 2011
Best Quotations of 2010
We never really know what stupidity is until we have experimented on ourselves.
Paul Gauguin
Boredom is the dream bird that hatches the egg of experience.
Walter Benjamin
Anybody seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life.
Loelia, Duchess of Windsor
What harm if in the midst of loneliness we have one little laugh?
Lu Yu
Classifieds
For sale: apps for your smart phone. Including Dogwalker, Dishwasher, Haircomber and Laundrydoer. Stop doing things the old-fashioned way. Inquiries at Box 13.
For rent: long narrow piece of wood. Ideal for poking things or just gently shoving small things across a smooth surface. $5/day. Box 1195.
I will be travelling to Kuala Lumpur for spring break and need someone to tend my priceless collection of lint balls while I am away. If you have experience with lint balls please contact me. Box 3.
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Resumes on January 13th
But you could still start from the beginning.
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WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
in 2010
Well, 2010 was not the most interesting year ever (that honour still goes to 1492) but it was notable for at least four events. Here they are:
1) Vancouver Olympics a Success
VANOC was declared an overwhelming success by the Canadian Mitten Marketing Board. The Canada Summer Games announces its sales of special CSG underpants. The Commonwealth Games consider a truss (due to a training injury).
2) Wikileaks Reveals Caramilk Secret
A lot of people were very upset to learn that a Caramilk bar is originally two pieces and is welded together. The chocolate industry considers fondueing (if that is a word) Julian Assange.
3) Netherlands Antilles Dissolved
Pollution in the Caribbean reaches crisis proportions.
4) Hugh Hefner Gets Engaged
Hefner finally takes the plunge and gets engaged in the ongoing struggle to preserve the Hollywood sign. It's nice to see a guy his age working to keep something up. [Sorry - Eds.]
WHAT TO EXPECT
in 2011
A lot of people (7) don't like suprises. If you are one of them then this item will please you. Here are some things that will happen in 2011.
1) New Planet Discovered
Scientists will discover a new planet not referred to by Holst. It will be dark and desolate and really of no interest whatsoever but it will be new.
2) Tea Party Diminished
"Grassroots" political movement The Tea Party will lose a lot of its strength to a new organisation - The Koffee Klatch which will bear a striking resemblance to the Tea Party but the folks in it will be slightly more jittery. Also they will insist on spelling words that begin with the letter C with the letter K. They will be even more annoying.
3) Steven Harper Quits Politics To Tour with Tegan and Sara
There just is no explaining this one but it will happen nonetheless.
4) Bombers Change Name
Due to an increased interest in pacificism the Winnipeg Blue Bombers will change their name to The Roughriders. The Argonauts do the same and the Eskimos change their name to the Edmonton Inuit. The CFL also moves to a two down format in an effort to make the game stupider.