bids farewell to 2009   

December 31st, 2009

The stupid years patter on with unrelenting feet, never stopping.

John Dos Passos


Now on sale: The Complete Concordance to the 2009 edition of PERSIFLAGE. 1019pp. $278.50 Available from this email address. Nickles only.
Looking for fun this New Year? Why not host a PERSIFLAGE themed party? Guests can come as their favorite staffer. Act out your favorite stories. Drink Sidecars and Cosmopolitans (in both cases we mean the drinks - not the motorcycle add-on and the bon viveurs). Kits available. Box 2010.

The Mystery of the Lost Lenore

Listen to Part Thirty-Seven

Click on the picture. (3:46)

Or start from the beginning.




What Went Wrong

1) Balloon Boy Scientists succeeding in creating a small boy made entirely out of balloons. This was accomplished at a children's party in Worcester, Massachusetts after they had finished the cake and ice cream.

2) Tiger Woods Golf fans were shocked to learn that "Tiger" was not his actually given name. It is Eldrick. I guess that kind of explains it.

3) Octomom was revealed to NOT be related in any way to arch-villian Doctor Octopus but she did admit to hating Spiderman.

4) Copenhagen Treaty An international pact was signed this year in which all the signatories agreed not to sing Frank Loesser's "Wonderful Copenhagen", bent over at the waist, hands behind their back, miming skating whilst within the environs of that city. Many Danes expressed regret that the treaty did not go far enough as it put no cap on Danny Kaye impressions in their country.

5) International Piracy The failure of the Somali pirates to hire a reputable public relations firm resulted in their getting a lot of bad press whilst the popularity of Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom et al. just got greater. A lot of their problems could have been solved by the purchase of some of those Cap'n Crunch hats and few little Jolly Roger flags.

6) Lou Jacobi died.

7) Swine Fever It seemed like everyone went nuts for pigs in 2009. Even people living in apartments bought pigs for pets this year. Sadly this resulted in a serious slop shortage in the fall.


What's Going to Go Wrong

1) The month of January will see you fall on your ass. He will tell February and February will tell March and so on. The whole year will laugh at you. Gird your loins now!

2) A cure for the common cold will be announced in the spring but people will be too excited about getting outside without their parkas and boots and so it will be forgotten again.

3) The Olsen Twins will enter the world of Mixed Martial Arts. They will do this via a secret passage under Joe Rogan's house.

4) Hawaii will declare its independence and promptly be invaded by Guam. Or possibly the other way round. I'm not sure.

5) Stephen Harper will insist that the ph in his name is silent. He will demand to be called "Ste'en".

6) Bavarian Curling or Ice Stock Sport will return to the 2010 Olympics. It will be dominated by the Dutch. Canada will not medal.

7) The Jets will return to Winnipeg but, for some reason, as T-ball franchise.

8) Capitalism will fall. But it will be immediately replaced by something that looks and acts almost exactly like capitalism but with slightly wider lapels. You probably won't notice.

9) Gore Vidal will not be mentioned on this website thereby starting a rumour that he has passed away.