PERSIFLAGE

December 4th, 2008

A man is no stronger than his vanity.

Vera Caspary

You always have words, but they don't always tell meanings.

Vera Caspary

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.

Classifieds

Tired of Christmas shopping already? Why not try a religion/cultural tradition that doesn't involve gift-giving? We're the Pagans. Check us out.
For sale: one snow cone. A conical shape I constructed last winter and have been storing in my freezer ever since. 8" high 4" wide at the base. $7 OBO. Box 1932.
For sale: candid photos of my squirrel Norman enjoying a banana split. Make me an offer! box 11.

Tips For Winter Living
Number Three:
Mulled wine can be quite nice on a cold day. Keep a thermos in your desk at work and remember the useful phrase "medicinal purposes".

Archives

Links

Comments? Questions? Vitriol? Flattery? persiflagemag@hotmail.com

Not on our mailing list? Send us a message and ask to be added to it. We're pretty obliging about that sort of thing.

Banter on the Increase

The Canadian National Institute of Banter (The Other CNIB) has released its annual report on the state of banter in the national news media and the news is good.

2008 saw a 14% increase in banter. The Institute (established in 1997) has monitored banter levels for over a decade and spokesmodel Rachel Gumblast stated that 2008 was the first to show a double digit (the 1 AND the 4) increase.

According to Ms Gumblast, who wore a stunning off the shoulder number by Frank Lloyd Wright, quality is up too.
"Some of those folks at Canada AM are really breaking new ground!"
It was unclear what she meant by that exactly but she did emphasise that the banter was pretty good.

Isn't that interesting? I wonder if they ever get mail for the CNIB that's for people who, you know, can't really see and stuff.

Paring Down the Set List

It was announced today by Arnold Kromshelter of the Christmas Institute that this year, for the first time, the song "Jingle Bell Rock" would no longer be considered acceptable.
Mr. Kromshelter stated that for many years the song had been tettering on the edge of acceptability and that Dustin Diamond's inclusion of it on his new Christmas album Saved By the Jingle had been the final straw.
Another Xmas song being considered as a possibility for the Institute's chopping block is the dreadfully disturbing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".

Recycling Bad?

A new study by some guys in a bar in Billings, Montana has raised questions about the efficacy of recycling.

The crowd (actually 3 guys not counting the bartender) at Hoss's Hop House in downtown Billings, during an extended period of drinking last Tuesday night, came to the conclusion that "recycling is f***d"

Next Tuesday the group intends to undertake a study into how many pickled eggs one guy can eat while being punched in the stomach, real hard.

New Director Named

Morton Hombleiner

The University of Manitoba's School for Social Research has named its new director, Morton Hombleiner. The director, who has been functioned without a name since September of this year, was pleased.

"I was getting pretty tired of Hey You and Bub." said the brand new Mr. Hombleiner.
"Now if I can just learn to pronounce the damn thing!"

At the same press conference it was revealed that under the re-vitalised directorship of Hombleiner, the School would be undertaking a brand new study into why cubed cheese is so popular.

The study will be conducted by a team of graduate students led by the popular Professor Kitzel who led last year's investigation into plastic drinking cups and the previous year's exploration into different kinds of folding tables.

Stock Market Tips

There has been a lot written lately about the terrible state of the stock market. Well I was there yesterday and it still looks pretty good to me. Sure, it could use a coat of paint and some of the windows need weather stripping but all in all it's doing just fine thank you!

If you are interested in investing in the stock market though there are a few things you should bear in mind:

1 Stocks tend to vary in value. Sometimes they aren't worth as much and sometimes they are worth more. It is best to check before buying or selling them. Apparently there is some sort of list in the paper (sorry I don't know which one).
2 You will need quite a bit of money. These things aren't cheap. Well they are if you only buy one share but this is frowned on (believe me!).
3 Only invest as much money as you can afford to lose. There is a good chance that the money you invest will not finance a really nice car or suit. If you do well you might get one of those fancy coffees out of it.
4 If you can it is better to just invest other people's money. There are good reasons for doing this (see above). If you call yourself a "consultant" you can just take a percentage of what people make and you DON'T have to pay a percentage if they lose. Sweet!

Remember the stock market can be your friend. Just don't ask it to help you move.

Dunny Bradstreet

Need Regular Stock Tips?

I got 'em 24/7/365/52/12

Call Dunny Bradstreet at 1-800-555-38669
(just leave the 9 off)