February 11th, 2010
It is remarkable that the stupidest ape differs so little from the wisest man, that the surveyor of nature has yet to be found who can draw the line between them.
Carolus Linnaeus
Poisoning children is cruel. But something has to be done about them!
Daniil Kharms
Classifieds
For sale: the very first toy dog ever to break the sound barrier (he used a meat tenderizer) or so he says. $5 OBO. Box 1.
Willing to trade my crisp banknotes for goods and or services. Interested? Box 3087.
Watching too much TV? Try this video.
Looking to rend some garments over spring break. If you have garments you wouldn't mind my rending please let me know ASAP as I am heading to Fort Lauderdale soonish. Box 22.
Searching for meaning in this crazy mixed up world? Then you probably don't have time to watch all the TV programs you like. I'm Larry the TV Watching Guy and I will watch them for you. Reasonable rates. Box 5.
Don't forget February 20th Platform's Fundraiser/ Art Auction /Dance Party "Hope I Die Before I Get Old" featuring DJ Rob Vilar and some sort of performance by Garth Hardy and Glen Johnson. 8PM Ragpicker's Theatre Annex (2nd Floor, 216 McDermot Ave.)Tix $10 advance $15 door.
PERSONALS:
Single slice of cheese seeks other single slices interested in getting into a box together. Must practice safe-stacking. Box 11.
I love to dance but other people have described my dancing as "alarming", "hazardous" or "just plain wrong". If you are non-judgmental and don't mind the occasional eye injury maybe we can go dancing together? Box 123123.
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Forty-Three
Click on the picture. (2:50)
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The Angry Consumer
This week we add a new feature called (as you may have already guessed) The Angry Consumer. The Angry Consumer will be appearing on the site from time to time to address certain more egregious crimes of consumer culture.
I recently purchased an mp3 player. It was on sale for a very reasonable price. It came with a USB cable so I could plug it into my computer for recharging and reloading. This I did. I listened to it once and then put it on my desk for a week. When I picked it up again it didn't work. I plugged it in to recharge and it never did. It never worked again.
Now why is it that companies think they can get away with this sort of thing? Do they think that they live in a world without consequences? A world where they get to pass off shoddy goods on unsuspecting consumers and nothing comes of it?
Do they just get to cash their big cheques and live in their Greek villas and go para-sailing and buy pythons and marmosets for their menageries? Do they think they live in a world where they can play tennis on their personal clay courts and fly in their private planes and eat llama stomachs stuffed with live sparrows off gold plates with their little jeweled knives and forks while the rest of us live in one giant wet cardboard box and sleep on a crunchy uncomfortable bed of their broken and useless appliances? Is that what they think? Because if that's what they think then they are very much mistaken!
Margaret Walburamber
The Angry Consumer
The Enhanced Memoir of David Grey
I was born in Charleswood, a suburb of Winnipeg, to a white middle class couple who OWNED A PIRATE SHIP! I lived there, in Charleswood, until I was 18, graduating from Oak Park High.
When I left high school and my parents' home I decided to go to university ON THE MOON! I studied psychology for four years receiving a B.A. with Honours.
After university I moved out of the dorms and got myself a small bachelor's apartment and I went to work at the Bank of Montreal. I got a position in their Management Trainee program and was there for two years before I INVENTED A TIME MACHINE! This meant I could get a bigger apartment.
Around that time I started dating Debbie and not long after she moved in with me. She also worked for the Bank of Montreal in the same branch as I did but as an ASTRO-BRAIN SURGEON! Which was nice because it meant we could drive to work together.
After a little more than two years together we broke up because she wanted to get married and have kids and I wanted to concentrate mainly on BATTLING INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM! Just different priorities I guess.
About six months later I was offered a promotion to a branch in Ottawa and I jumped at the chance. That is where I live now and I love it! The job is great and living here has helped me to CURE ALL FORMS OF CANCER and by establishing MY OWN RELIGION WITH MILLIONS OF ACOLYTES I've managed to drop a few of the extra pounds I put on after college.
Anyway that's my story.
Tips For Romance
This Valentine's Day
There's no use getting depressed because you don't have a date this Valentine's. Depression never made anyone more attractive. Okay, that's probably not true. There is probably someone somewhere who finds depression to be a huge turn-on but finding him or her before Sunday might prove a bit challenging so it's not really a good plan.
What you should be concentrating on is loving yourself. Hey, get your hands out of there! That's not what I meant. What I mean is that if YOU love YOU than you can easily trick someone else into loving you too. Okay, maybe not easily but it will certainly be easier if you could be at least partially convinced of your own worth. Lightening up the self-loathing is, at the very least, a start
So how do we go about accomplishing this before Sunday? What's the plan? Okay, assuming you are reading this on Thursday morning you have most of today to develop a good body image. Try comparing yourself to someone who has been dead for some time (you are so much hotter than Marilyn Monroe is now) or an unappealing inanimate object like a wadded up paper towel or whatever that is on your shoe. You're not looking so bad now are you?
On Friday you should try thinking of all the stupid things that you HAVEN'T done. That could be quite the list. Especially if you consider someone like Hitler. You didn't vote for him did you? See, you're not so bad.
So now it's Saturday and Valentine's is only a day away. Okay, here's the big one. Go out (yes, out of your room) and meet someone beautiful and fascinating and convince them to tocuh some part of you that you normally keep covered. There we go. Done and done. You are all set for the big day.
Sunday - enjoy a Happy Valentine's Day!
Mr. Redate
She Wondered
Did he dare to hope she wondered? She thought he thought she might like him but she didn't know if he hoped she did. If he did would he wait for some sign from her that she might hope that he liked her? Should she wait for some sign from him that he was waiting for some sign from her that she was waiting for a sign from him?
She thought she wanted him to like her but what if she only thought she thought that? What if he knew that she only thought she thought she wanted him to like her? Did he even think she thought she thought that about him? Was he even thinking about what she was thinking about him? Is it possible that he had already thought all this? And if he did, what did he think now?
Her head hurt. She wondered if his did too.
Fran Kind