is for lovers who aren't really all that keen on Virginia  

February 12th, 2009

All the feelings milk their absolute from the misery of the glands.

E.M. Cioran

is updated on Thursdays.

Personal Ads

Girl with a love of poetry, long walks and Romantic music seeks Boy with love of hot cars, televised sports and excessive drinking. Object: mutual dissatisfaction. Box 33.
Woman with Gertrude Stein fixation seeks Alice B. Toklas type to make her cookies. Box 11.
Older Man seeks younger man interested in helping him meet other older men who have already met younger men who like older men who like younger men. Box 10006.
Lady looking for a Gentleman who is into playful roughhouse and tumbling exhibitions and who owns his own business. Box 349.
Married Guy seeks other married guys who like to complain about being married but who don't really mean it. Box 1.
Man interested in the works of Tung Hsuan tzu seeks woman with whom to practice the Dogs of Autumn and the Donkeys of the Three Months of Spring. Box 109.

Tips For Winter Living
Number 11:



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It is commonly believed that in order to have good sex one needs to listen to old ladies on the radio and buy a lot of battery operated tools and special oils. This is not strictly true. One can have good sex by merely following one very useful piece of advice and bearing a few simple tips in mind. Because PERSIFLAGE wants you to have good sex, we are presenting that advice and those tips here to you this week.

A lot of people (7) wonder how, in this day and age, it is possible to have really good sex , what with the economic crisis, global warming, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and Facebook, but in some ways (9) it is easier now than it has been at any previous time in history except for the late Fifteenth Century.

In the last few years, countless (197) books have been written on the subject of enjoying sex and yet many people (11) still struggle and strain and remain unsatisfied. Why is that you ask?

In a word (actually 2), it is unrealistic expectations. Like most other things in this world, sex is governed by the rule of expectations. That is to say - one is often disappointed or upset when one's expectations do not meet up with one's actual experience.

If, for example, you are expecting to have wildly fulfilling sexual congress with a fantastically attractive person who is really, really into you and instead you have sex with yourself and a fairly dingy sock puppet then you are bound to be disappointed.

But, and this is a big but, if you are EXPECTING to have fair to middling frottage with a sock or some other kind of material then your little melange avec M. Chausette et ton petit doigt (as the French say) is going to seem like quite the little soiree.

This is a good strategy for pretty much anything but for sex it is really great. The trick is setting the bar really really low. Try thinking of sex as something other than that sweaty wrestling business. Include all kinds of other activities under the rubric "sex" and you will find that you get a lot more of it.

If one considers, for example, mild salutations as sex, then you probably had a fine time with the bus driver this morning (I include a sullen nod in the category of "mild salutation"). If you want to draw the line at actual touching consider the Third Party Rule in which any object functions as a Third Party transferring sex from one person to another. A glass handled by a cute serving person can be your ticket to oblivion! See you are already making out better than John F. Kennedy and he was a President!

By lowering your expectations in this way you will dramatically increase the frequency and intensity of your sexual relations. This will make you a sexier person and increase the chances of your perhaps having something resembling actual physical contact with another person at some point in the future. In order to be prepared for that remote eventuality it is best to keep in mind the following tips:

The Tips:

1) Good sex is a lot easier if one is adequately prepared. Always lay out the necessary equipment the night before and keep it handy. Nothing breaks the mood more quickly than having to get up and go into the other room in order to get more figs or a whiffle bat.

2) Most people like helpful hints whilst fornicating. Make sure to point out anything they are doing wrong. It will be appreciated more if you keep the mood light-hearted. Try laughing while you criticise.

3) Sex is always better if you are relaxed and comfortable with your body. Spend an hour each day complimenting one of your body parts while drinking heavily.

And now of you go to have sex! Good Luck!

The Man Who Loved a Pencil


No one perhaps has ever felt passionately towards a lead pencil - - - Virginia Woolf

Some bitter rain will wash away these tears perhaps… or maybe not. Is it possible for a man to grieve all his natural life? What loss! What loss! She could not have been more perfect.

Alas, I shall never feel her sweet hexagonality in my stirring hand or enjoy her woody taste and smell. No more shall I touch her leaden tip to my aching moistened protruding tongue, flicking it lightly, oh! The softness of her graphite tip smudging smoothly on the page, turning mere thoughts into words, mere words into sentences (with punctuation and everything!) and always, except when her gentle demons seized her, staying between the lines.

Oh my love. You were always so quick to turn over for me when you or I had erred, rubbing your soft behind across the scars of our mistakes and making everything smooth and clean again. And if your sweet lines should blur you would allow me to direct your gentle head into the sharpening hole. You always took the point so well. New clear lines would emerge instantly.

But you were not some docile slave who merely did my bidding. Oh no! If the page were too wet or the surface too hard or soft or coated in some fouling substance you would refuse to write anything! You had your standards! A clean lined page you wanted. And I gave it to you.

Perhaps I asked too much. I wore you down. When we met you were long and slim, clean yellow, sharp-edged, your rubber end firm and unsoiled. In the end a worn dirty nub, your pink end now flat and dirty black, you couldn’t hold a point anymore. I had used you.

I can still hear that small, barely wooden clack as, tossed from my finished hand, you hit the bottom of that cold black wastebasket. Oh!

Martin Issing

Celebrate Valentine's Day

Go out and acidize some brine because, you know, every body digs an alchemist!

You are just bound to get a little action.

Oh yeah!