All the news that fits, we print.

February 1st, 2007

The judges are a basket of fat things, the speaking of falsehood is like herbs for them, for such poison is pleasant to their hearts.
---Khunanup the Eloquent Peasant

And I said: I shall burn the fat thigh-bones of a white she-goat on her altar.
--Sappho [our italics]

No wonder I slipped, being soaked with Zeus' rain and Bacchus' wine. Two against one - and gods against a mortal.
--Dionysios of Andros


Gallery 803
Platform Gallery
P:son Oneline Persiflages

Tips For Winter Living

Tip#16:   The great German poet Rilke once said "Embrace what is difficult." Take his advice: Hug a snowbank!

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Soccer Team Eats Teammate

A spokesperson for the Brandon City Police confirmed today that members of the Moosomin Moose, Bantam Boys soccer team had been placed in custody after it was discovered that they had eaten one of their team mates.
Phillip Andover, 15, was consumed by his team mates early Sunday morning.
It appears that room service at the Brandon West Holiday Inn had been stopped at midnight and the team was quite hungry.
One of the team, "Felipe" (not his real name), stated to reporters "None of us felt like pizza".
Charges are pending.

Travel Advisory Issued

Winnipeg Transit has issued a travel advisory for the #11 bus. It appears, according to Winnipeg Transit Spokesperson, Kaieena (pronounced Kaieenah) Butterfield, that the #11 has of late been frequented by gangs of dim people who can't figure out how to work the little yellow press strips on the back doors. This has resulted in an alarming increase in frenzied failing and a general air of unpleasantness.
Ms. Butterfield said in a strongly worded advisory issued yesterday "If you don't absolutely need to be on the #11 or if you cannot read clearly printed instructions PLEASE stay off the bus until further notice."

Local Critic Makes Good

Local Art critic, Mel Olactik, has been elected to the Canadian Critics' Hall of Fame.
Olactik, who writes as "The Abusive Critick" in the Crescentwood Daily Shopper, is well known locally for his acerbic take on the Winnipeg art scene.
Olactik often refers to the artists featured in his column, as "g*d d*mn s*ns of b*tchs" but he is critical of both artists and art institutions. He once accused the Canada Council of being " a pack of f*lthy wh*res" with "not a single e** in their b*sket".
The 46 year old has been honoured before. Local videographers, after the publication of his article F*cking V*ideo A*t: A St*aming P*le of Sh*t, surprised him with a traditional car-egging and an impromptu severe beating. But the elevation to the Hall of Fame marks his greatest honour to date.

New Chair

Hearn Turlbetterer has been appointed Chair of the newly formed Winnipeg Council for the Propagation of Public Furniture. Mr Turlbetterer was formerly an Ottoman.


Wanted: any good condition copies of the children's book Toby's Tiny Red Ding-Dong, the touching story of a very excitable kitty. Will pay top dollar. Box 9.

For Sale: one moustache cup. Won for the best moustache in Grade Nine at Ness Junior High in 1975. Engraved with my name but you can probably scratch it out. $14OBO. Box 23.

Tired of working for "The Man"? Why not concentrate your valuable time and energy on smashing the state? Have fun while meeting exciting people AND working to overthrow a corrupt society based on greed! We're the Anarchist Party of Canada, come join us! We meet every second Wednesday at Earl's on Main for drinks, nachos and spirited discussion. Check it out! You know you wanna!

Earn money at home by carrying out contract hits for the mob. Merely by enticing criminal informants into your home or apartment and then "whacking" them you can make over $100,000 per annum (that's per year). Contact me for details. Box 0.

For sale: one Spanish caravel. Mint condition. Hardly any miles on her. Previously used only to "discover" a "New" World. Minor electrical problems. $398,567 OBO. Box 1492.

Wilma Badeebadeedee (nee Manumunmun) would like to announce that she will begin next week accepting bids from contractors for the job of adding a small kitchenette onto her last name.