PERSIFLAGE

January 25th, 2007

There's really cool stuff coming out of Mongolia.
---------Robin Culbreath

Classifieds

Now available at fine bookstores eveywhere: Dummies for Dummies. Learn the fine art of making puppets for ventriloquists without having to wade through a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo. Only 27.99$.
For Sale: dental pick used by Laurence Olivier while filming Marathon Man. Didn't actually appear in the film. Larry just used it in his trailer between takes. Few people know he was really obsessed with his teeth. Unlike Vivien Leigh. Yeessh. Say no more! Box 220.
I've got a lovely bunch of cocoanuts and I no longer have room for them. Everything must go! If you're in the market for cocoanuts drop me a line. Box762.

Links

Gallery 803
aceartinc
Platform Gallery
P:son Oneline Persiflages

Tips For Winter Living

Tip#15:   Tired of your glasses fogging up? Put a warmed baggie over each lens before heading outside.

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Little Mister Manners

It is not usual for anyone in this organisation to sing the praises of a child prodigy (we mostly find them pretty irritating - think of Jewel for instance) but we have chanced upon one that is so extraordinary that we simply must bring him to your attention.

Gregory is a mere 7 years old but already he has shown himself to be an exceptional savant.
By the age of 18 months he was already well aware which was his salad fork and he would send it back if it were insufficiently chilled.
He was cognizant, by the time he turned two, that red grape juice was the appropriate beverage to serve with his hamburger.
By three he was distinguishing between a compotier and a nappy (not what you think).
At four his bedtime had to be pushed passed ten due to his belief that "only heathens and people from Vermont" dined before eight o'clock.
When Gregory was five he refused to watch cartoons alone with the neighbour girl, Amber, as they were insufficiently chaperoned and he did not wish to see her good name sullied "thereby ruining her chance for coming out in polite society" and sentencing her to life of "trailer parks and monster truck rallies".
By the time he was in Grade One Gregory refused to play with any of his classmates who had not been formally introduced or at the very least presented him with a card.

As is the case with many child prodigies, questions have been raised concerning undue influence on the part of the parents. In Gregory's case there are no grounds for this concern. His father is a die hard hockey fan and his mother considers Anna Nicole Smith a great role model.
It seems amazing that a delicate flower like Gregory should have sprung from such soil but there it is and there he is. This little man at seven is more suited to meet pashas and ambassadors plenipotentiary than even Peter McKay. One can only hope that his remarkable gift will be suitably nurtured.

The Decision

Once upon a time there was a guy who was tired of life. Nothing he had done had every worked out. Every attempt he had made to make something of his life had ended badly. Now he was all alone in the world and very depressed. He decided to kill himself.

The problem was he wasn't sure how. Should he shoot himself? He had no gun. Should he hang himself? He wasn't sure how to make a noose and he didn't have anything high up in his apartment that he could throw a rope over. Pills? The strongest thing he had in his medicine cabinet was some Tums and he thought that even the whole bottle might not be enough. He had heard somewhere that slipping into a warm bath and slitting one's wrists with a razor was effective but the only razor he had was a Gillette Ultra and he could tell just by looking at it that it probably wasn't going to work. Jumping? He lived on the first floor.

His inability to take his own life depressed him further and so he decided to go for a walk. So absorbed was he in his thoughts of suicide that he crossed the street against the light and never even saw the #78 Crosstown West that hit him.

That is, not until he awoke lying on the street. His head was a bit sore and the right knee of his cargo pants was torn but he was more or less okay. He reassured the bus driver that he didn't need to go to the hospital and in fact walked back home under his own steam.

Thirty-five years later he died of a brain aneurysm.

HOROSCOPES FOR THE HORRIFIED

 Aquarius - This week you will eat a lot of sausages. Good on you!
 Pisces - Rhyme something with Monday this week.
 Aries - Stay away from wool, lanolin, Woolite, Leonard Woolf books and butterscotch cookies until the weekend when you can enjoy all of the aforementioned!
 Taurus - Drive only european cars this week. Or a team of horses is also safe.
 Gemini - If you have a twin give him or her a good shove.
 Cancer - This is a good week to sign up for the space program or clean your basement.
 Leo - Go on a cruise. Or don't, see if I care!
 Virgo - You will lose your virginity early in the week. You will find it again on Friday or Saturday in the cedar chest of a man called Norman (although his real name is Ted).
 Libra - You share a birth sign with Muammar Qaddafi. Probably on Wednesday. (Don't write in with corrections on the spelling. Even he doesn't know!)
 Scorpio - Ah, Scorpio...
 Sagittarius - You will wear an Arrow brand shirt this week and no one will notice.
 Capricorn - UH... I don't know... buy yourself something pretty.