rather unsuccessfully pretending to be your only real friend

January 3, 2008

Gentlemen, are you troubled by a seemingly endless stream of salacious email advertisements?
Remember the following quotation:

How small to others but how great to me!


is updated on Thursdays.


The Platform Centre for Photographic and Digital Arts will be running a Dark Room workshop next weekend. Topics covered will be: common locations of light switches, the treatment of shin injuries, the shuffle step and arm swaying for maximum effectiveness. Contact Kegan McFadden to register.
Mum's nails getting a little too long? Auntie's cuticles a mess? Granddad's toes a bit scary? Why not call on Larry, the Relational Esthetician? He will show up in any designated space (although he may not be recognizable in some). Unreasonable rates guaranteed. Box 55.
Need to store something in a hurry? Do you have a heap of incriminating evidence piling up? Mr. X will pick up the items at your home or at the scene of the crime and cart it away to one of his secure facilities on very short notice. Call 287-SHED 24/7.



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Have a Nice Holiday Fatty?

Yes, well I did as well (or "me too" as they say in the local patois). To illustrate: this morning I had a bowl of butter tarts smothered in gravy. Clearly at some point in the last few weeks my eating habits slipped pretty seriously off the rails. "Never fear" I told myself as I snacked on some of the larger cake crumbs stuck in my beard "I will get it together in the new year". Guess what? It's here - so put down that ladle AND the bag of icing sugar and pay attention! Here are PERSIFLAGE's tips for a new year of unsplit pants and freedom from cracking chair legs.

1) Before every meal drink two (2) litres of body temperature (98 degrees Fahrenheit/37 degrees Celsius) water or brine. This will give you what medical professionals call a "full" feeling.

2) Do not eat anything after 11:30 am. 75% of your daily caloric intake should be ingested before you wake up.

3) Exercise vigourously (tumbling, high-pitched shrieking, windmilling of the arms or slapping yourself (or a good friend) on alternating cheeks of the buttocks) for two (2) minutes out of every hour of the day except while sleeping.

4) Eat one serving from each of the following food groups at each meal:
The very, very dry: whole wheat, wheat germ, dehydrated garlic flakes, spanish peanut skins, dust bane.
The soupy: cottage cheese, tofu, dry wall mud.
The cakelike: rice cakes, coasters, urinal cakes (unused), angel food cake.
The alleged vegetative: grass clippings, cilantro, parsley, nasturtium, rhubarb, swiss chard.

If you follow these simple guidelines we guarantee you will not only lose weight but all your friends, your will to live and your mind.

Elrose Watermuldar

Ask Hugh

Dear Hugh,
I would like to learn how to live with dissappointment but I have some kind of mental block that stops me from learning such things. If you have an easy foolproof way please let the rest of us know. Pllleeeaassee!!!
Niko Twasik

Dear NT
The secret to learning to live with disappointment is practice. Try disappointing yourself every morning when you first get up. Make it a habit. Tell yourself before you go to bed each night that you will arise early, exercise and eat a healthy breakfast. And then don't. Overtime you will become inured to your lack of resolve. Soon you will expect little of yourself. Then just apply this to everyone else and you will be living comfortably with disappointment. Simple!

New Cruelty Festival

Tickets are now available for the New Cruelty Festival which will be held the first week of February at a variety of venues downtown. There will be a variety of events all of which will be overly long and tedious and at the end of them you will feel a little bit worse about yourself and your place in society. Featured guests will include a medium level federal bureaucrat, an insurance claims adjustor, a property manager, a reality TV producer and a guy named Leonard who likes to poke people with a stick.
Remember what Nietzsche said:


"Without cruelty there can be no festival."
Tickets available through Ticketmaster.