PERSIFLAGE

July 17, 2008

Nobody told Fra Angelico that he should stop painting the Virgin.

Joan Acocella

People can have the Model T in any colour--so long as it's black.

Henry Ford

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.

Classifieds

For sale: one barely used children's car seat. Made entirely out of egg cartons by my uncle Gustav. Not really very effective but great if you don't like your kids. $5 OBO. Box 9.
For sale: one road map of Southern Ontario featuring rest stops where I took a pee. $1. Box 117.
Tired of high gas prices dramatically limiting your opportunities for driving down to the Sev for a Slurpee? Well, why not make your own Slurpees at home? Legal considerations (including one Cease and Desist order) necessitate our calling our product Home Made Ice Based Cola Beverage but really we're talking about the same thing. Send $9 for a kit to Box 711.
For rent: tiny cars. Even smaller than the Smart Car. Previously driven only in parades. $35/day. Includes free complimentary fez (which must be returned with the car). Tiny's Tiny Car Rentals on McGillivray.
For sale: 1970 Pontiac Firebird $2750. Not the car. I mean a firebird (or phoenix) born in 1970 in Pontiac, Michigan. Answers to the name of Rupert (although his name is really Gus). Box 14.
For sale: spare parts, Laertes' and Ophelia's younger brother Mickey, The Loman's neighbours from the other side (4 parts - two speaking), The Tyrone family's delivery boy, Waldo and Antigone's hilarious next door neighbour Mr. Polydactylos. Many more. Box 1789.

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Opera Lover?

The Joys of the Bus

As my regular driver, Mitzi, was out of commission with the croup last week and no other employee of PERSIFLAGE is licensed to operate our 1929 Duesenberg Model J, I was forced to take the bus. This proved to be nowhere near as onerous a burden as I had feared.

In fact, I experienced something resembling pure joy while riding the Number 80 bus. First off, I had no idea there was a Number 80 bus, never mind one that went down such interesting streets as Fennel and Irene. Secondly, I had no idea that there were such streets as Fennel and Irene in this city. I was somewhat familiar with the herb and the woman's name, but as for the streets, I knew nothing. What a sad and unknown hole in my life that was.

Out the window, as we meandered through what I, in my obvious ignorance, would term an "Industrial Zone", I glimpsed a sign posted above a loading dock that boldly stated "Eggs Only"! I did not know that unrestricted egg access was even a problem.

I saw a seemingly endless variety of large corrugated metal buildings with odd machines sitting outside them. I saw a veritable potpourri of windowless enterprises where, no doubt, happy workers toiled to make those nice ballpoint pens I like and my favorite kind of macaroons. And to top it all off I saw where the buses are actually made.

It was quite the exciting and informative trip. I'm not sure but I won't do it again soon.

Maybe not.

Hugh Briss

Apprehended

(Mortimer, Kansas) The Mortimer County Sheriff's Office announced today that they had finally captured Sammy "The Butter" Knife in connection with the brutal slaying of Mr. Potato Head last fall. Mr. Head's body was found cleft almost in two and smothered in butter and herbs. This treatment of the body was, initially, the primary evidence of Knife's involvement. Subsequently, DNA samples matching Mr Potato Head's DNA were found in a potato salad in the suspect's picnic cooler. Mr. Knife has been charged with First Degree Vegicide. (PNS)

Sandy the Sensitive Car Alarm

Once upon a time there was a car alarm named Sandy. Sandy lived under the hood of an Audi A5 that belonged to a development officer who lived and worked in a big city.

The development officer was fond of her Audi and so she was very careful about where she parked. She never left her car on the street at night. She parked in the garage under her condo when she was at home and in the garage next to the gallery where she worked during the day. Both garages had security guards. One was called Roy and the other Sala, or something like that.

With so much protection there was very little for Sandy to do and over time she began to get sensitive. Her sensors began to reach farther out into the world

At first, Sandy would go off when people got a little too close to the Audi but before very long, people moving through the garages learned to give her a wider berth. It was then that she began to look inside the people who used the garage. She began to pick up on their personal vibrations.

If the woman who parked next to the development officer was angry because her assistant had called in sick again, Sandy would sound her alarm. If the man who lived upstairs from the development officer, and who's wife had just left him, even entered the garage, Sandy would sound. Soon if the tall man, who didn't even own a car, sitting in the building next door became unsure what he should do with his life, Sandy would sound.

It wasn't long before Sandy was sounding all the time. The development officer had to have her removed.

Unfortunately, the garage where the development officer had the work done was owned by a Swedish mechanic who had recently lost his brother and so the noise was almost unbearable.

One day the Swedish mechanic took Sandy, wrapped tightly in a heavy blanket, for a drive in the country. When he got to the deepest part of the woods he dug a hole and buried her.

Now, whenever some lonely soul goes for a walk in those woods, just trying to clear their head by getting out of the city, you can just hear the faint sound of a car alarm.

Sally Kind