There's a new serif in town

July 5, 2007

What evill starre on you hath frownd, and pourd his influence bad?
           - Spenser (not the detective played so magnificently by the late Robert Urich)

Home's the best place to be: out of doors bad things can happen.
           -The Homeric Hymn to Hermes

PERSIFLAGE is updated Thursdays.


For sale: one sense of outrage, well used but still responds to TV newsmedia and heavy traffic. $4 OBO. Box 326.
Can't live without a hotdog? Always on the go with no time to spare to grab a frankfurter? Call us and we'll fly direct to you, anywhere in the world, one delicious dog. We're The Soar Weiner and everybody likes us!
Tired of struggling to get your book published? Your art exhibited? Your music recorded? Your hand (or other body part) held? Why not give up struggling and enroll in the Famous Losers' Academy? We are currently offering courses in Self-Pity and Whining and hope to add End-stage Alcoholism and Bitter and Vituperative Loneliness next semester. Why suffer in silence? Join our grads in inflicting your bad luck and/or lack of talent on those around you. Note: Canada Student Loans does not recognize (yet) the Famous Losers' Academy.
For Sale: fashionable bathing suits just in time for summer and the beach! Available in tan AND beige (and something called flesh tone but which is really the colour of a cartoon pig). Many like new and with little or no odor! $7 for the lot. Box 30.

Tips for Summer Living:

Tip #3:  Avoid Sunday evening cottage traffic on the highways by using your flying rocket car.
If you don't have a rocket car (Luddite!) one can easily be made by strapping any of your existing rockets onto a regular automobile. Remember to tie it securely!



Whither Thou Goest

PERSIFLAGE asks for Your Input

As regular perusers of this site already know, our guiding light, founder, genius domus, Hugh Briss has gone missing. We have been left to mind the store for ourselves and, if we do say so ourselves, we've been doing a bang-up job. Things have actually been going along swimmingly but some of us have been thinking that PERSIFLAGE doesn't really have to stay PERSIFLAGE. With the old man gone why we can't now just do whatever the hell we like? Or whatever you like.
We have decided to conduct a sort of poll to see what direction our fans would like us to move in. Please take a minute (we're not timing you) to read over the following questionnaire and email your responses.

The thing I hate most about PERSIFLAGE is_________
The thing I really really love about PERSIFLAGE is ________
If PERSIFLAGE were a vegetable it would be a (or an) _________
I would donate my life savings (such as they are) to PERSIFLAGE if only _______
__________is terribly underrated.
I never liked _______ but since they ________ I've come to terms with ___________.
The capital of Wyoming is _________ (show your work).
Hugh Briss gives me a pain in the ______.
The greatest rock and roll song of all time is __________.
How come no one ever says "roll" song? ____________________ (1/2 marks)
I totally rock because ________ somewhat.
Nobody likes _________.
The beef was finally located in __________.
A pelican's beak can hold more than its ______ can.
Ohhhhhhh, we're _______(express as a fraction) way there.
If you suspected that there was magic in an old silk hat that you found what would be the best way to test it. _________
Think you could do better smart guy?
____Yes ____No ____I could but I choose not to.

A Love of Sports      

                    The fan spins
                    his beer
                    his team
                    has won
                    he hears
                    in the holding cell


News Roundup

Meth Lab Shutdown

An alleged methamphetamine lab was shut down in St James yesterday and a 33 year old man arrested. Jerry Mander, the alleged operator of the lab told PERSIFLAGE that he was not guilty and that he was, in fact, an alchemist. Mander said that the laboratory equipment in the modest bungalow was part of his attempt to make gold out of nothing. Mr Mander also claimed that it was because he was so close to succeeding that his lab was shut down by the "Gold People". The methamphetamine he said he was holding for his mum who needed it for undisclosed medical reasons. A police spokesman stated that Mr Mander was not a reliable source for information concerning anything.

Ottawa Announces Special Plan

Larry Ottawa, noted unicyclist and bon vivant announced today his plan to cycle (or uni-cycle) across the entire length of his yard. Mr Ottawa who lives in a small house in the Glebe neighbourhood of, surprisingly enough, Ottawa, estimated the distance at over 35 feet. This will be a record for Mr Ottawa as his previous longest uni-cycled distance (or the greatest distance he ever has uni-cycled before or the farthest he's ever gone on his unicycle) is just under 11 feet (and he had one foot on the ground for part of that). Ottawa will make his attempt July 17th to coincide with Bastille Day for no particular reason.

Butter declared "No Damn Good !"

Scientists at the Institute of Intermittent Pronouncements in West Prague, Illinois declared today that butter, the well-known spread, was "no damned good." No further explication or announcement was made.

Travel Advisory

The Federal Government has issued a travel advisory for all citizens travelling to Montreal this summer. Tourists are advised that the people there speak mostly French and it may be difficult to read some the signs. A spokesman for Foreign Affairs suggested that individuals planning a trip to Montreal may want to read the backs of shampoo bottles or toothpaste tubes while moving their bowels in the weeks before their departure "just to get into the spirit of things".