Wild, like some kind of animal

June 21, 2007

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.
                                         -Thomas Stearns Eliot

I am the grass. Let me work.
                                         -Carl Sandburg

PERSIFLAGE is updated Thursdays.


Just to let everyone know Egmont le Manchot, the noted Belgian Detective, has been fired by the Staff of Persiflage. M. le Manchot had made zero progress in finding missing Genius, Hugh Briss. The Staff have, however, not given up hope and urge readers to continue with tips and sightings none of which have proved even slightly helpful thus far.

Tips for Summer Living:

Tip #1:  Getting a tan is no longer considered healthy but it still looks great! By rubbing old teabags on your skin you can look sexy (not while you're doing it - although there is a website that features this) and still remain relatively melanoma-free.




Once upon a time there was a guy named Leonard. Well, probably more than once there was a guy known by that name but this particular Leonard was a pretty ordinary guy who worked as a shipper for a drapery company.

All week long he packed up and shipped orders of blinds, curtains, curtain rods, valences and drapes. On the weekend he did less exciting things like watch TV, buy groceries, wash his pants and play a computer game in which he wandered through a series of simulated rooms looking for things. It was a pretty dull game but his sister had given it to him for his birthday and he was in the habit of playing it now.

One Saturday morning, after a particularly stressful week in which his boss had yelled at him twice, Leonard woke up and discovered spots on his arm. He wasn't all that worried. He thought it must be the seafood he'd had the night before.

By Sunday morning it had spread to his chest.

By Monday his legs were covered in spots but his face was clear so he put on long pants and a long sleeved shirt and went to work. That afternoon his boss, the Head Shipper, snapped at him for not doing an adequate piece count on an incoming shipment. Leonard suddenly turned on him and, in a startlingly loud voice, roared. The shipper looked at him strangely and went back in his little shed/office.

As Leonard took the bus home that evening he realised what was happening to him. He was turning into a leopard.

This would surprise, shock, or throw most of us but Leonard took it in stride. As soon as he got home he emptied his fridge, took all his food and stuffed it high up in a crook in the big tree in his front yard. Then he went back inside and licked himself thoroughly while he pondered his next move. It was obvious. He should fight crime.

Clearly Leonard had been given the powers of a leopard in order to do good. With his increased ferocity, strength and agility, not to mention climbing ability (it had been a snap getting those frozen entrees up the tree), he would be able to take on arch-villians with ease. He would start the next day. No more wasting time on a loading dock.

Tuesday he made his costume. Luckily he still had some of his mother's old leopard-skin lounge wear. It didn't fit exactly but by splitting the pants and adding a panel in the bum he managed to squeeze into the pants. They looked a bit short with his white socks and running shoes but once he got some high black boots they would look fine. And the sleeves were a bit short but that could be corrected with gauntlets. The extra tight fit he thought would emphasize his muscles once they began to develop.

Tomorrow, he would head out to begin thwarting super-villians.

To be continued