PERSIFLAGE

June 7th, 2007

You'll roll your feet together in the tense befuddles of ten thousand evenings in company in the parlor, in the pad - that is known as, ah, socializing.
              - Doctor Sax

PERSIFLAGE is updated Thursdays.

SPECIAL NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT

It was announced today by the Marginal Personalities Center at the University of Southeastern Manitoba at Badger that the MPC Archives has purchased the Hugh Briss Papers.
It is estimated that the Centre paid in excess of thirty dollars for the entire collection which is contained in three old Chuck Taylor boxes.
Sources at the University hinted that the collection may include the original hand-written first PERSIFLAGE which was, reportedly, funny.
Briss himself could not be reached for comment.

Classifieds

For Sale: testimonials. For a small fee I am willing to attest to almost anything about you to pretty much anyone. The fee goes up if there are lawyers, police or video cameras involved in any way. Box 337.
For Sale: Mr. Tortoise Terrarium, the less popular mate of the Mr. Turtle Pool. Comes with its own bag of sand! Great fun for kids or cats. $4 OBO. Box 99.
For Sale: X-Ray glasses. One size fits all. Lets people see inside your eyeballs. $23. Box 209.
Available Immediately: an almost overwhelming sense of dread. Could be easily modified to be actually overwhelming. Box 666.

Tips for Spring Living:

Tip #7:  Late spring is sometimes indistinguishable from summer. Don't get out your Slip N'Slide until the 21st of this month no matter how much grandma begs!

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The Search For Hugh Briss

As regular visitors to this site know, Hugh Briss has been missing for over two weeks now. We, the Staff at Persiflage, decided that we need to do something about this ourselves and so we have retained the services of a private investigator, the Belgian detective Egmont le Manchot.
Now some might find the idea of hiring a penguin to locate your missing employer a tad ridiculous but that really can't be the first ridiculous thing you've come across in this space can it? And besides who's to say a penguin can't do the job? What are you an anti-sphenisciforme?

Here is the first progress report submitted by M.le Manchot on the Hugh Briss Case:

Monday  9AM Woke and had a delicious breakfast of kippers. Went for a swim after but failed to wait the recommended two hours and cramped up badly. Didn't feel myself until after 2PM. Seemed too late to start anything new so didn't look for Briss. Start early tomorrow.
Tuesday  Slept in. Late morning laid in bed and phoned a lot of the cheaper motels in Fargo looking for a Mr. Briss. No luck. Oh well, it was just a hunch. Pretty worn out afterwards. Napped. Went out for dinner at Perkins and had the salmon. They refused my seniors' discount card. Said theirs not printed in crayon. Note to self- get printer fixed.
Wednesday  Just didn't feel like looking for anyone today. Tried to find a matinee. Nothing. Rented Benji again. What a great movie!
Thursday  Typed up report for Persiflage staff on Hugh Briss disappearance and my progress. Plan to lunch at the Paddlewheel. May interview the former Mrs. Briss in the afternoon if I can find out if there was one.

The Cool Guy

Once upon a time there lived a man who was very concerned about what other people thought of him. He wanted everyone to think he was a cool intellectual hipster. Why he wanted this we don't know. But he did.

In order to be considered cool he thought that first of all he must dress cool. He thought about the two coolest people he knew, Johnny Cash and Archbishop Makarios, and he realised that they both always dressed in black. He decided to dress in black too.

Next he thought he must appear smart if he were to be a convincing intellectual so he decided to carry a book around with him. But what book? That was the question.

At first he considered Camus'The Rebel but that seemed too obvious. And he didn't want to carry anything in translation because then it would be obvious that he didn't speak the original language.* He decided it had to be a book in English.

Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire was too heavy and Sonnets From the Portugese was too light (and again there might be some confusion about translation). But Thorstein Veblen's Theory of the Leisure Class was just right. It also had the advantage of having never been thoroughly read by anyone.

But he was worried that the book might make him seem nerdy. He needed something to make him seem tougher. He decided to get a tatoo.

After some consideration and perusing of tattoo books and magazines he settled on a flaming skull. He got it on the left side of his neck which seemed a tough and rebellious place to get a tatoo.

Now he felt he was ready to hang out in cafes and bars looking cool and mysterious. So that's what he did and everybody who saw him thought he was cool and mysterious right up until they talked to him.

C.F.Maynard

*I do not mean Proto-Borean. I mean the language the book was originally written in.