PERSIFLAGE

March 19th, 2009

PERSIFLAGE
is updated on Thursdays.

Classifieds

For sale: something I found in the dryer. Might have been some kind of list or bill. Quite hard and irregularly shaped. $4 OBO. Box 11.
Now leasing: four bedroom condos located on the moon. Yes, that's right the moon. The big round shiny thing in the sky at night. Lovely view of the Earth. Must be comfortable in a low gravity (we mean that literally - not, you know, that you like to yuk it up), and low oxygen situation. Moon Condos Box 1999.
I lost my dignity late last Friday night or early Saturday morning on the street outside the Yellow Dog Tavern on Donald. If anyone finds it please contact Box 34.

The Last Tip For Winter Living:

Don't wear shorts. It's still March!

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Are You A Cartoon Character Worried About Hair Loss?

Come on in to the Famous Artists' School in Altona, Manitoba. We'll draw a full head of hair on you in no time flat. Only 7$ (real money only please).

NEW PLANET DISCOVERED

Scientists working on a '73 Chevy Camaro in front of one of their houses last weekend have discovered a new planet.

One of the scientists, Dave, was working on the Holley carb when he looked up in the sky and said "Hey, isn't that a new planet?". Benoit who had been fiddling with the Weiland dual intake thought that it was probably Jupiter but the astrophysicist who lived next door, Mrs. Smalley, proved that this could not be the case as Jupiter was much much larger and in another part of the sky altogether.

There was a heated debate over the naming of the new planet. Dave, who first spotted it wanted to call it "Dave" surprisingly enough, but after a fair bit of roughhousing (and some hurt feelings) the scientists finally settled on "Sepaw" for some strange reason.

No word on whether or not the planet shows any signs of life.

(PNS)

The Armchair Grammarian

This week Leonard Derwerthy looks at words that aren't as dirty as they first seem.

A lot of people won't use certain perfectly fine English words for fear of seeming to attempt a salacious joke. They are afraid that a word they think they know, has some double meaning or worse, means something filthy and not the thing they thought it meant.

I have, this week, compiled a list of perfectly innocent words, along with their true meanings, to assuage, I hope, some of those unfounded fears. Use them in good health!

crapulence This Latinate word (from crapula meaning drunkeness) refers to sickness from over-indulgence. Nothing whatever to do with your bum. Unless he is an alcoholic.

turgid Extensively embellished when it comes to prose or, when it refers to the physical phenomenon, distended or swollen or engorged with fluid (blood for instance). Nothing salacious.

reaming A process which slightly enlarges a smallish hole. Sometimes refers to the extraction of juice from a fruit.

numismatist A coin collector.

I hope this helps some of you to feel more comfortable using these words.

Henry the Firefighting Hamster's Terrible Addiction to Pencillin and How He Finally Beat It

Once upon a time there was a hamster named Henry who was renowned both far and wide for his firefighting abilities. Few people though, suspected that Henry had a monkey on his back (he always wore loose fitting shirts) and that the monkey had bitten him and the bite had got infected.

You may ask yourself "What is it that one does when one has an infected monkey bite?" and, if you are at all versed in the ways of the medical community, you will answer yourself: "One takes pencillin".

Now you or I or Uncle Frank may take penicillin with impunity but a hamster, well, that is a different story, for hamsters are notoriously prone to penicillin addiction and Henry, being a fairly typical hamster (except for his prodigious fire-fighting abilities), succumbed quickly to that terrible affliction.

For some time Henry managed to conceal his problem, relying on moldy bread and cheese that had been left out too long in order to satisfy his horrible cravings but eventually he had to start rolling detail men and stealing their free samples and this behaviour disgusted him. Henry thought of himself as a law abiding hamster and this rough business was appalling to him. He thought he must do something to change his evil ways before he lost all respect for himself.

One day he was lolling around the firehouse nibbling on a very old bagel when an infomercial came on the TV. It was for one of those special rags that are really really good at cleaning and Henry was entranced.

Henry could not believe the zeal of the pitchman. He was just so excited about how absorbent this rag was. The man's eyes were bugging out of his head and he was positively screaming. Henry thought to himself: "This man feels very passionately about his rag. This is just exactly the way that I feel about penicillin. If this fellow can feel that way about a rag then clearly it is possible to feel this way about anything."

Henry realised that he didn't have to be addicted to penicillin. He did not need to be a slave to his addiction. He did not need to be controlled by his yearning for penicillin.

The very next day Henry switched to heroin.

C.F. Maynard