March 20, 2008

spring: 1 to jump suddenly upwards or forwards. 2 to return or be returned into natural shape from a forced position by elasticity. 3 to cause (something) to happen unexpectedly. 4 to originate. 5 to come into being or appear suddenly. 6 to provide (something such as a mattress) with springs. 7 to arrange the escape of someone from prison. 8 the season between winter and summer. 9 a leap or jump.

COLLINS Paperback Dictionary

is updated on Thursdays.


For rent: a very small box that used to contain lozenges of some variety. 15 cents a month. Discount for seniors. Box 11.
March 24th to March 27th is Be Kind to Aglets Half-Week (we couldn't afford a whole week). Remember not to jam!
Tired of going through the drudgery of showering and washing your hair every single day? Why not try Shower-in-a-Can? It takes the guess work out of showering. Available in a couple of stores I believe.
I am travelling to the Land That Time Forgot next month and I looking for someone to share the driving chores (washing the wheel, ironing the windshield wipers, emptying the ashtrays etc). If you are interested contact me on my home planet of Neptune. I am Larry the Profoundly Disturbed Guy.
For sale: one bag of potatoes. $3. Nothing funny about that. Box 7.



 Email us using this address: or, merely by using a different email address you can contact someone else entirely. We would sort of prefer you do that.

The Water Drinker

      Neither war, nor cyclones, nor earthquakes
      Are as terrifying as this oaf
      Who stares, sips water, and remembers
      Everything we say.

Antipatros of Thessalonika

The Water Drinker Once upon a time there was a guy who drank water. No matter what the circumstances, event, occasion or venue, Guy drank water.

New Year's Eve at midnight he had a bottle of water in hand, St Patrick's Day in an Irish Pub he drank water, at a summer barbeque on a hot day he drank water. At four in the morning in a dingy after-hours club he drank water.

Some people found his consistency and self-restraint admirable. Most found it irritating.

His friends and acquaintances would try and tempt him with juice or pop and sometimes milk. Others would offer him wine or beer or spirits. His response was always the same.

"Just a water please."

One day, without any warning whatsoever, at breakfast in a diner not far from where Guy worked, he ordered an orange juice.

Later that same day, at lunch, he had a Pepsi.

That evening, after work at a local tavern, Guy had several beer, a couple of shooters and a half glass of red wine that someone had left behind on a table. It had a cigarette butt in it.

Orange juice is a gateway drug.

E. Watermuldar

The Not Guilty One

Mr Backyard, Persiflage's Ersatz Naturalist asks:

Spring is Here - Now What?

Some of you may have noticed that Spring began today. As I gaze out my window I see no lambs gamboling but pools of frozen water (or ice as it is sometimes known) and piles of dirty snow on the roof of the building next door. This, naturally makes me want to reproduce.

Sadly, at this point in time (or now as we sometimes say), I am alone and so I have opted to eat an entire bag of cookies instead. The world is denied, at least for another nine months, another Backyard generation.

But across the vast expanse of the Natural World all of Mother Earth's darling little creatures are mounting each other in a frenzy of vernal excitement. Squirrels, stoats, dogs, cats, lemurs (if there are any about), badgers, silverfish, seamonkeys and platypi (pusses?) are happily attempting to increase their populations.

As far as homo sapiens (that's us) are concerned, many have cottoned on to the fact that there are already rather a lot of us cluttering up the place and so they have opted out of the procreation business (Of course many of our gay friends were never really in it being somewhat daunted by the paperwork).

This does not mean that the urge to rhythmically (or arhythmically according to your taste) move in concert with another (or others according to your taste) has disappeared from this population. Many with no interest in ever hearing the pitter-patter of tiny feet within their own abodes still feel an increased stirring in their hipal regions this time of year. But what are they to do?

I suggest, as an alternative to the cookie solution (which is really no solution), dancing. Whether it is salsa, jitterbugging, Texas two-step or Morris, gavotting, ballet or tango, Voguing, the Robot or breaking, dancing provides the perfect release for those pesky springtime urges. Also the cleanup (physical and emotional) is just so much easier.

So slip on your dancing shoes, crank up the ole Cher CD and go for it. Winter is gone! More or less.