PERSIFLAGE

March 5th, 2009

It is easy enough to jolt an audience into paying attention to you. One could doubtless attract the attention of a roomful of the most sophisticated people in the world by flinging open the door and shouting, "Boo!" But, their attention duly attracted, what then?

Deems Taylor

PERSIFLAGE
is updated on Thursdays.

Classifieds

Love whispered stories? We've got lots to choose from. C'mon down to Uncle Pete's House of The Barely Audible and check out our archive. Here's a sample.
For sale: over one thousand magazines featuring pictures of things starting with the letter R. Collected over a period of several months in the late 90s. Valued at over 1500$, yours for twenty-two fifty. Box 0900.
Will trade my ongoing lower back problems for a villa in the South of France. Box 21.
Love reading libretti online? Why not visit The Loneliest Badger and check out that one? It's brand new!

Tips For Winter Living- Number 14:

The last few weeks of winter can be a little disconcerting with their wild variation in temperature and general conditions. Stay focused and balanced by singing the "I'm a Little Teapot" song every morning upon arising.

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Sex: Highly Overrated Pastime or Panacea

Because (don't write in saying you can't start a sentence with "because" - I just did) so many people these days have sexual problems we have decided to run (once again) the following essay explaining sex. We hope it helps.

A lot of us have had what we sometimes call "sex" during the course of our lives and some of us have even enjoyed it on occasion. Most of us have spent a lot of time talking about it and still more time thinking about it and so you would assume that the vast majority of adult humans would, by now, have a pretty clear idea of, at least, what constitutes "sex" and why people do it. You would be wrong.

Most people, as ee cummings used to say, haven't the foggiest idea what sex is for, although if pressed they would probably spout some nonsense about procreation which is something different entirely. Most people enter into the sexual problem (if you will forgive the disgusting imagery) through a portal of profound misunderstanding.

Some believe that sex is a highly overrated pastime while others think it a panacea. Still others believe that sex is the expression of physical love between two individuals. Another group (not to be left unsupervised), believes that it is merely a physical need like carrots or cream soda. Some believe that it should not be entered into lightly but only after much careful thought and a sincere commitment while others believe that they can do it whenever and with whomever they choose without much discrimination and that other people should watch them doing it and perhaps record it in some semi-permanent way. Human beings believe all kinds of foolishness about all kinds of things so why should their credos concerning coitus be any less cretinous? Well?

The sex act, as currently performed the world over (and quite possibly now in space as astronauts now spend longer and longer periods of time in those revolving space stations), is primarily an activity that involves two people in relative isolation over a period of time lasting less than 24 hours. There are, obviously, exceptions to this. Often there are more people involved either directly or indirectly and sometimes animals or inanimate objects participate but at its core sex is an activity for two and it only rarely stetches out (without significant break) into a second day.

Now activities that involve larger groups of people like team sports, elections, or rioting are subject to mob rule wherein everyone stops thinking as an individual and just plunges ahead blindly, all of them more or less going in the same direction thoughtlessly and effortlessly. This can be quite fun and is relatively straight forward.

Activities that involve single individuals such as solitaire, sulking or frying an egg are undiluted by divergent opinions and so whatever deluded madness floats through the cranium of the individual concerned does so without serious impediment. Thus at the two ends of the spectrum there is concord. But in the middle of said spectrum, in activities which involve only two individuals there is close to a zero percent chance of agreement (don't write in and say it's fifty/fifty – it isn't and you don't know what you're talking about).

When two human beings get together with the object of being mutually supportive, or cherishing each other or merely exchanging fluids, they are doomed to failure. It simply isn't possible and because this is a difficult truth to swallow they feel compelled to come up with a lot of hare-brained explanations for why it didn't work in this "particular instance". None of these explanations ever hold water because this whole two people together thing was never meant to work.

Sex is, in point of fact, a great joke played by the universe upon us. Its purpose is to alternately frustrate and elate us and to keep us pretty permanently off balance which, you have to admit it's doing a pretty fair job of. But why? - you ask.

Well, it's a little too complicated to explain here but suffice it to say it involves the Masons, the Knights Templar, some skulls in Olduvai Gorge and that whole bee's being theoretically unable to fly. Just take my word for it. It's bad. So keep your hands off each other and while you're at it, stop touching yourself!

Hugh Briss