Now With A Centered Title!

May 27th, 2010

What harm if in the midst of loneliness we have one little laugh?

Lu Yu
later on weekends


Tired of being tired? Why not try Coffee©? This new product is guaranteed to make you feel jittery and anxious when you need it most. Available in dry and wet forms. Inquire about our prices. Box 11.
Is looking up things on the Internet wasting your valuable time? Why not ask me? I'm Larry the Internet Looking Up Guy. For a small fee I will look things up for you. Just send me a message and I will send you a letter with my mailing address. Then each month you can write up a list of things you want looked up on a heavy shirt cardboard and pop it into the mail. Presto Changeo two months later you will have your answer. What could be easier? Box 34987603.
For sale: recordings of Burl Ives roughing up a small man named Bernie or possibly Fernie. 71/2 minutes long including the boasting and the crying. $45 OBO. Box 546.

The Mystery of the Lost Lenore

Listen to Part Fifty-Eight

Click on the picture. (3:44)

Or start from the beginning.



Is there some good reason you haven't sent us an email?

The Rise of the Cretins

You may be quietly thinking to yourself
        - or perhaps you're vocalizing it,
maybe you're the kind of person who can't keep their thoughts to themselves but feels compelled to share them despite the lack of interest displayed by your fellows,
      at any rate you may be thinking,
or quite possibly you're not thinking about any of this at all, maybe you're not the sort of person who thinks about these sorts of things,
and even though I hadn't really considered that possibility,
there is a chance that, despite the fact that you are reading this, you could very well be one of those folks who stumbles along without thinking about much of anything
and certainly aren't one of those who is troubled by the increased power, prestige and growing ubiquity of the cretins,
but maybe,
     just maybe,
you are sitting there quietly, like me, except for the clattering noise I'm making with this old keyboard, and you are thinking
"How come there's so many cretins? And why are they all over the TV?"

If you are one of those questioning and disturbed few then let me say this about that:

There have always been cretins. It appears, sadly,
that there will always be cretins.
This is a fact of life.

Certain neanderthals, millenia ago, sat on the stoops of their caves and rolled their eyes at the behaviour and/or gruntings of some of their fellow neanderthals.

Toga-wearing Romans slapped their broad foreheads with open palms at the ill-formed Latin sentences of their dimmer contubernales.

Renaissance men and women snorted derisively at their tights-wearing countrymen who could only manage one or two simultaneous tasks with any sort of aplomb.

Queen Anne period chocolate houses abounded with sighing coffee drinkers worn out by the silly conversations at the adjoining tables.

It was ever thus, as we like to say.
Cretins are an unavoidable fact of life.
But when exactly did we decide that it was time to start seeking them out?

If you are at all like me,
and let's hope for your sake that you are not,
then you have spent the majority of your time attempting to stear clear of this particular class of folks.

You don't spend time on the bus on Sundays,
you don't eat in mall food courts,
you shun large-scale sporting events
        and get-togethers that feature free
               or even extraordinarily cheap beer
or if you do go
       you drink as quickly as possible
               and then stumble
                     or crawl
out of there before things get out of control.

But lately I've noticed that the opinions of this mass of dim-witted louts is actually being sought after.

Turn on your TV,
     - not right now, wait till you're finished reading this,
- and if you happen upon any form of "news" program you will see some attempt to gauge the opinion of the "common man".

Web polls, man-on-the-street interviews, phone-in shows, all of these are clearly attempts to find out what the average slack-jawed dullard has to say (or grunt) about whatever is going on in the world.

Opinions that used to be reserved for the bar, the bus stop or the line at the lottery kiosk are now sought out, recorded and broadcast over the airwaves.

Why is that?

Hugh Briss

The Importance of Flossing

Nobody likes looking at stuff stuck in your teeth (and yes I mean your teeth - there's been a lot of comment lately) and the only really good way to avoid having stuff stuck in your teeth is to floss.

For those of you who don't know - flossing consists of dragging a piece of waxed thread back and forth between your teeth until your gums bleed. The blood flows freely down between your teeth and flushes any wayward food particles that may have become lodged there.

Flossing was invented by Dr. David Floss (a dentist - try to suppress your surprise) as a punishment for his children (whom he was none too keen on) but he found that by convincing others (primarily dental hygienists that he was dating) that it was an effective dental prevention technique he could make quite a lot of money.

If you are like me, and let's hope you're not, then you will have long ago learned to live in harmony with the small bits of food, flora and fauna living peacefully in the gaps between your teeth but if you are one of those individuals who is easily cowed by the disdain of others then floss away my friend!

Elrose Watermuldar

I am Joe's Small Cut in the Webby Bit Between His Index Finger and the Next One Whatever It's Called

I don't really serve any purpose except to make Joe wince whenever he puts vinegar on his fries or attempts too much of a stretch when he does his famous impression of Winston Churchill giving the V for victory sign. I am really fairly tiny. I was caused by an errant flap of an envelope containing what turned out to be bad news from the good people at Publishers' Clearing House.

Hurrah for the Nattering Nabobs of Negativity

WARNING: Some readers may find the following article stupid and irritating.

Forty years ago William Safire jammed that phrase into the gaping maw of Spiro Agnew and Agnew spewed it into the public consciousness. But those guys meant it in a negative way. We here at PERSIFLAGE believe that negativity is a positive thing...if that makes any sense.
We believe negative thoughts and comments actually make us [that is me and my friends] better people. In that spirit we offer up here, in this space, well not really in THIS space but just down there, right below what you're reading right now, some negative thoughts for you to take to heart and learn from, by, whatever.
I hope you have found this helpful.

Elrose Watermuldar

Nobody likes you and you smell funny.

Whatever you are currently striving for, stop it.

Nothing is more pointless than your life and dreams.

You have zero chance of success.

Clothes do make the man but in your case not even that works.

Love comes to everyone eventually, except you.

Just do it and shut the hell up.

No one cares what you think.

Your close friends are only pretending to like you.