cluttering up the internet since 2005  

May 28th, 2009

In all narratives, there is a beauty to the merely given, as the narrator does us the honor of trusting that we will take it for granted.

Anthony Lane

is updated on Thursdays.


For sale: barnyard. No barn. $500 OBO. Box 1.
For rent: abnormally large hamster. Trained in the art of savate. Speaks gibberish and understands some English. Very neat. Can be trusted around newspapers. Ideal for parties or small gatherings. Daily rates. Box 945.
Will trade: photographs of Peter Snell winning the 800 metres in Rome for photographs of Peter Snell being awarded his degree in Exercise Physiology. Box 220.
I wanna be sedated. If you have access to some kind of drugs or even a mallet contact me at Box 1979.
Friday is National Butter an Elf Day. If you know an elf slather him or her up!
Want to be a better person? Why not explore the exciting world of philanthropy at the College of Gifting in Boise, Idaho. Learn how to sign cheques, cut ribbons and wield a spade in the non-card playing sense. Tuition reasonably priced at ten million krugerrands per semester.

Tips For Spring Living:

Number 10: With the growth of spring foliage the number of convenient hidden places to pee outdoors increases.



Say howdy:

Super-Handy Household Tip

Here's a good tip for cleaning your laptop: Stand up. The crumbs will fall on the floor!

You CAN have it all!

Some people today (Thursday) are concerned that what with the recent economic downturn they will no longer be able to have it all. Rest assured that this is not the case. You can have everything you've dreamed about. It is, in fact, still possible. The only necessary adjustment is that you redefine what you mean by "all".

Whereas "all" may once have meant a satisfying career, a villa in the South of France and a fine luxury automobile it may now mean a nice bowl of Mr. Noodles, a jar of quarters and your own pants.

The secret to a happy life is, as it has always been in our opinion, low expectations. Perhaps you once dreamed of winning an Olympic gold medal, dating a super model or running your own highly profitable computer company or perhaps even making an Academy Award winning film. Did you accomplish any of these things? No. How does that make you feel about yourself? Did the epithet "Big Loser" just pass through your mind?

Really, the financial crisis had nothing to do with this not happening. It was never going to happen. The nice thing is that at least now you have an excuse.

Your problem, if you want to know, is that you set your sights too damn high. There was really zero chance of your pulling off any of that. You were bound to fail. You need more realistic goals.

Making a really good sandwich, watching four straight hours of TV, getting your (own) pants on correctly two days in a row - these are achievable goals. Start small. Be realistic. Adjust.

If your idea of la dolce vita is lying on your hide-a-bed and eating a peanut butter sandwich whilst thumbing through an old Macleans magazine then it is only a matter of hours before you can have it all!

If on the other hand you persist in hanging on to these silly ideas about achieving fame and fortune then you are just going to be unhappy.

Hugh Briss



The Travelling Berber Sturgeon

Driss is a sturgeon with a lot of frequent flyer miles. His clients are a far-flung lot: Kuala Lumpur, Tokyo, Frankfurt, New York City. He might be on three separate continents on three consecutive days and yet there is no sign of strain on his smooth face.

At twenty-eight he is still young for an acipenser sturio but you would not know it from his demeanour. Driss exudes confidence, maturity and a kind of oil.

Perhaps it is because of Driss's reliability and mature manner that so many high-end restaurants the world over rely on him exclusively for their caviar needs. Not only is he a solid supplier but he always ensures his clients get a competitive price. Some of this may be due to his familial contacts in the production side of the business.

Oddly enough the luxury food business is booming right now. Driss says that he sold more caviar last quarter than at any other time in his career and he believes this quarter is shaping up to be even better.

Driss thinks that the current world financial crisis is merely a hiccup and that people will continue to eat and enjoy caviar for many years to come. He also hopes they will be willing to pay for it.

Dunny Bradstreet

Listen to Part Seven of

The Mystery of the Lost Lenore


Click on the picture. (3:43)

Or start at the beginning with Part One