PERSIFLAGE

A Cry (or at least a light whimper)For Help

Hugh Briss Still Missing!

Sadly our Genius Domus has not returned home to his lair. There have been sightings and volunteers have volunteered (surprisingly enough) to search and to leave no tern unstoned until Hugh Briss is safely back at the helm but so far, no dice.
We did fear the worst at first. There was some speculation that perhaps he had "checked out" but C.F.Maynard, the last person to see him, reported that Briss had said he was "happier than Hart Crane on an ocean cruise" so that put our mind's at ease. We now suspect foul play.
It's no secret (or if it is it's a pretty lousily held one) that Briss has made more than a few enemies in his time (and I mean made in the antagonised sense not in the construction of a golem sense). Maybe one of these folks has finally grabbed him and is even now poking him with something sharp or unpleasant (or both!).
Whatever has happened we need your help in locating the fat man. Here is a summary of the evidence we have:

Recent Photograph

Taken only forty years ago this is actually a fair rendering of how the fat man looks today if you add a couple hundred pounds and grizzled white stubble. I think he still has those pants.

Possible Location?

A street in New Orleans where Briss once lived and which he never ever stopped talking about. It's altogether possible that he has returned there to mill around and inflict himself and his cranky opinions on the denizen's of that poor city. As if they haven't suffered enough.

Accomplice? Suspect?

The University of Wisconsin's Mascot - Bucky the Badger. Briss is obsessed with badgers and also loves dairy products (as evidenced by his waist measurement). Could he be in Wisconsin?

Seen Briss? Have a theory?
Why not contact our tip line at persiflagemag@hotmail.com

Our Guideless Attempt at a Persiflage

Observational Humour Piece

If you own a television, and are foolish enough to turn it on, you will no doubt be familiar with the recent travails of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Brittney Spears (who have come to seem like one person and a person you don't want to know to boot).

All of the aforementioned girls/young women seem to have problems rooted in the fact that they like to party, hang around with boys, spend money and act irresponsibly. As they are all wealthy and in their twenties this is hardly surprising. If I were a young girl with millions I would be drunk right now and I wouldn't be surprised if porn movies featuring me were readily available on the Internet.

I have never been a young woman or more than a very very minor celebrity and I've never had more than a few hundred dollars in my bank account but I have still managed to be very drunk and very irresponsible for a sizeable portion of my adult life. It's just that no one thought it newsworthy.

Now don't construe the above as an indication of my sympathy of LL,PH or BS, I don't feel at all sorry for any of them. These are clearly stupid people making bad choices. My only point is that perhaps some of the intense media scrutiny devoted to these stories could be focused on something a little more newsworthy.

What happened to that little polar bear in Germany or wherever the hell it was? Did Angelina Jolie adopt another kid or not? Wasn't Jennifer Aniston getting married or something? These stories have been crowded out by photos of Lindsay asleep in her car and speculation on how many days of her sentence Paris will actually serve. It's time for a return to real journalism before it's too late and we completely miss David Beckham's newest haircut during its relevant period.

Elrose Watermuldar

Tips for Spring Living:

Tip #6:  If you are starting to bicycle again after a long layoff don't forget your hand signals. The middle finger displayed prominently indicates that you need more room from motorists.

Clever Quotation:

Wee, sleekit, cowrin, timorous beastie, o, what a panic's in thy breastie! --    Robert Burns

Funny Totally Made Up Ads:

For sale: office supplies, a desk, a computer, some hand towels with the initials HB, also some sweaters with the same initials. Make us an offer. Box 1.
For rent: one small office located inside another larger office. Share facilities with a small website business. Inquire at Box 1.

Odd Story About Animals

Once upon a time there was a beaver who lived in a lodge on a small creek that ran through a golf course on the edge of a major city in the mid-west. This beaver (who asked not to be named) was reasonably happy with his or her (he or she also requested that his or her sex not be revealed) lot in life but longed for a shiny Abe Lincoln style hat with which to impress the other beavers.

Then one Christmas the beaver found, under a tree he or she had only partially gnawed, a box wrapped in glittery paper. When the beaver opened the box he or she found inside, wrapped in tissue paper, a string tie like the one that Jefferson Davis used to wear. He or she was disappointed but thought "What the hey, it's a free tie."