Home of the Wild Assertion

November 15, 2007

The peasant Khariton got drunk on denatured alcohol and stood in front of the women with unbuttoned trousers and said bad words.
Thus began a beautiful summer day.

Daniil Kharms

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.


For Sale: moustache formerly owned by Gavrilo Princip. Mint condition (and flavoured). $44. Box 1914.
For Rent: large industrial electro-magnet. Once used in an automobile junkyard now cluttering up my fridge. $6/day. Box 221.
Man travelling to Never-Never Land for the Holidays seeks ride. I have a bus ticket as far as the third star on the right but have no way to get the rest of the way. Willing to go halves on gas. Box 336.



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Butter Retains Ranking as Deadliest Oleo

Scientists at the Institute of Butterology in Boise, Idaho were ecstatic last week when they discovered that butter had retained its title as World's Deadliest Oleo. The staff had been worried that a margarine manufactured in China might close the gap due to the discovery of increased lead levels but this proved not to be the case. The Institute will be closed next week due to repairs made necessary by the robust nature of the celebration.

New Gallery Opens

A new contemporary art galley opened in Toronto this week. The Card Gallery will be dedicated to displaying and promoting the art of pass keys and identity cards. The opening exhibit "What Do You Mean Overdue?" is dedicated to the art of the Library card and runs till the end of November. It will be followed by "Coming Clean: The Art of Laundry Cards" opening December 6th.

Why Cats Don't Like You

The National Association For the Advancement of Feline Interests (NAFAFI) has released a statement elucidating the top five reasons why cats do not like particular humans. If you wish to be considered a friend to the cats you would do well to heed them stated their current President, Mr. Snowy, at a press conference Monday morning in Ottawa.

They are as follows:
1) Failure to clean the defecation area or "box" IMMEDIATELY after use.
2) Providing food of an indequate kind (ie. that dry crap).
3) Insufficient pouring forth of cat treats (ie. nip).
4) Inability to comprehend simple meowed commands.
5) Slowness in responding to evidently comprehended commands.

As far as NAFAFI is concerned that should be an end to it. Mr.Snowy said that he and his fellows expected these problems to be acted on today and if they weren't, we could look forward to a winter of very moist shoes.

Dear Persiflage

Dear Persiflage,
I am a three-toed sloth (actually twelve-toed if you count all my appendages) with what I would consider an undeserved reputation for laziness. Do you think I should start my own website? You people, who seem quite lazy, are able to do it and so I thought I might. It would help me to improve my reputation. Is it really a lot of work?

Peter Pushkin

Dear Mr Pushkin,
The key to producing a weekly website is to have a lot of filler - letters, classified ads, quotations and a layout (tiny columns, pictures) that makes it seem a lot more substantial than it really is.
If you go about it properly and find some naive rubes to work as unpaid interns, you can cut down your actual time working on it to five or ten minutes a day. Now I ask you: is that a lot of work?

Elrose Watermuldar