November 25th, 2010
I sit around a lot, I read a lot and I do watch television.
Jack Lalanne
Classifieds
For sale: treadmill. Functions only at 28kph and 1kph at a 45 degree incline. As is 7$. Box 8.
Need a personal shopper this Christmas? I specialize in buying things that fit in a small cloth bag my mum made. If you are interested in purchasing items of that size contact me. Box 4087.
For sale: army surplus tank tops. Green only. These are sometimes known as turrets. $1500 ea.You pay shipping. Box 44.
For rent: very large snow tires. Ideal if you own one of those giant mining trucks where you have to climb a ladder to get in. Or if you are building a giant rubber ring-shaped fence around your house. Price:too embarassing to write down. Box 5.
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Listen to Part Eighty-Three
Click on the picture. (3:05)
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Getting in Shape
There are plenty of websites, magazines and television shows that produce "Get In Shape For Spring" programs, issues or episodes but Persiflage has never been like (or been liked by) other media.
We have always gone our own way (much like Paul Anka) and so, in that spirit, we present our "Get In Shape For Xmas" or gisfX Program. The theory is that if you work out like a maniac for the next five weeks you will be able to jam that much more pie and yams into your trap over Christmas.
There is a long standing tradition of physical fitness plans inspired by various military units - the CF Airforce Plan, the SEAL (not the singer) workout, SAS Fitness program etc. This springs from the general public's noticing how fantastically fit most soldiers are (people were always complimenting Douglas Haig on his abs).
But these are too specific for our taste. We present here, instead, a physical training regimen based on the weltanschaung of military organisations in general. Here it is.
Persiflage's Military Style
gisfX Program
1) MORNING INSPECTION
Clean your room or bed space thoroughly then tear it apart and redo it. You jerk! Repeat 3X.
2) AFFIRMATIONS
Yell something derogatory at yourself 5X. Between reps jog on the spot. NOT THAT SPOT!
3) PREPARE TO MOVE
While carrying half of all your worldly possessions (including a vehicle if you own one) jump into the back of a covered truck then have someone drive you around. Go nowhere. When it stops moving jump out and run you lazy slug!
4) ACTIVITY
Set yourself an entirely pointless activity that is very difficult. Hurry to accomplish it. Part way through change the task totally and half the time you had allotted to do it. Get mad at yourself. You're never going to make it.
5) REST
Drink a startling amount of alcohol whilst running upstairs and punching yourself in the stomach. You know what throwing up makes you don't you?
Well, there it is. Do that everyday for the next five weeks and you should be in great shape for Christmas. Of course, you may also be emotionally scarred but that just proves you're a wimp.
Simone
Part Eight
Mr. Turble was writing a book and this was upsetting the squirrels. It's not that squirrels are anti-intellectual even though they are not, as a general rule, big readers, they do not have a problem with books or with writers. But they did have a problem with Mr. Turble writing a book about them for the badgers.
The squirrels felt, as Leonard explained, that Mr. Turble's or Chester's revealing of their secrets to the badgers was the ultimate act of disloyalty. There were things that they did not want non-squirrels to know.
"What sort of things?" asked Simone for she could not imagine that the squirrels had deep dark secrets that could not see the light of day. The old squirrel looked at her angrily. It was pretty clear tht he would not be shedding any light on the subject for her any time soon.
It seemed ridiculous to Simone. After all she had worked closely with the squirrels for some time and they had not seemed a particularily secretive lot. Except, of course, when it came to their nuts. The were pretty closed lipped about those hiding places. But that was an individual squirrel thing and not what one might call a species issue.
"I wonder" Simone wondered "if the book I've been working on is the book in question?" Because she had wondered this aloud Leonard grabbed her arm and very, very persuasively convinced her to get him a copy so he could check it out.
As Simone headed out of the park she wondered why she had agreed to such a thing.
to be continued...
Persiflage Reads Broadway
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
as read by Elrose Watermuldar
This week, for the first time ever, we present a new feature Persiflage Reads Broadway. Each time some employee of this institution will read the lyrics to a Broadway show tune. Doesn't that seem exciting?