November 5th, 2009
People have the illusion that all over the world, all the time, all kinds of fantastic things are happening. When in fact, over most of the world, most of the time, nothing is happening.
David Brinkley
Classifieds
For sale: small television news outlet. Just over 4" tall. 75$ OBO. Box 12.
Wanted: writers for a new weekly news magazine dedicated to positive news. News that illustrates that people are basically good and that emphasizes their intelligence, forethought and sound judgement. Just kidding. Box 1.
Listen to Part Thirty of
The Mystery of the Lost Lenore
Click on the picture. (3:39)
Or start from the beginning.
persiflagemag@hotmail.com
|
International News
New News on Global Warming
An international conference on global warming wrapped up in the Hague last week and this week a report on the conference was released.
The First Annual International Conference on Practical Solutions to Really, Really Complex Problems issued its final report on Monday and it contains one very interesting idea concerning the problem of global warming.
According to the FAICPSRRCP, global warming could actually be slowed if a percentage of the world's population (no actual figure was provided) put a bag of ice out in their yard each night upon retiring.
It is believed that as the ice melts the air will be cooled somewhat thus preserving the ozone. Or something.
There was no word on where the ice will be coming from.
National News
Tories' Quebec Plan
Tori Campbell and Tori Keener, best friends in Brampton, Ontario, have both decided to attend Concordia University next fall.
The pair, who are both nineteen, had been considering going to university in British Columbia because of the skiing and the "hot guys" but they settled on Concordia because, in the words of Tori Keener, "Montreal is such a fun city".
Both girls plan to study Urban Planning.
Vancouver Olympic Fever
It appears that denizens of the Left Coast's largest metropolis are now into what promises to be a full-on outbreak of Olympic Fever.
 Medical professionals in Vancouver have been swamped with cases of OF since last week. The primary symptom of the disease is said to be an all over body chill that can only be addressed by the wearing of a Mount Seymour sweater ($338 mens, $328 womens) or a Cypress Mountain pullover ($298 mens or womens)
The number of cases is expected to increase steadily through until spring and then drop off dramatically.
|
Science and Technology
Study Released
Scientists in Wyoming are relieved today as a study was released in Caspar. The study had been held hostage for four days by a pair of disgruntled graduate students from the State University of Northern Wyoming.
The students were said to be angry over pressure to finish their assignments. Once it was pointed out to the pair that there was no State University of Northern Wyoming, they relaxed and let the study go.
The study, ironically concerning Stockholm Syndrome, was said to be recovering at home with family.
Mission Planned to New Planet
A team of Belgian scientists from the Waffles Institute in Tervuren is planning a space mission to the newly discovered WASP - 17b in the constellation Scorpius, 1000 light years away.
Dr. Mokey Mauws was irritated when he learned that the planet was orbiting its F-type main sequence star the wrong way. A number of other astrophysicists, astronomers and the guy who makes the coffee were also annoyed and the group decided to do something about it.
The team's plan is to fly directly there and try talking sense to the thing but they are, in the words of Doctor Mauws "not afraid to get tough". Their planned launch is next Wednesday.
|
Lifestyles
New Exercise Discovered
Fitness enthusiasts in gyms, spas and ahtletic centres across North America are all fired up over a new exercise recently discovered in Olduvai Gorge.
Archaeologists crouching in the dirt and ferreting about with their little trowels have found that over the course of a dig (on average 4-6 weeks) their forearm strength in their dominant arm increased by 11% and their gluteal (or ass) strength increased by a whopping 17 1/2%.
Several high- end facilities have already added sandbox like apparatus to their gyms along with racks of trowels of varying weights. So get digging!
Sports
U of A Squamish Team in Trouble?
It has been reported in the University of Alberta's newspaper The Gateway that Melvin Q. Hujduddler, all time Golden Bears high scoring Overblat has tested positive for a banned substance (Elmer's Glue) and will not be allowed to play this year.
Due to Hujduddler's dismissal from the squad no 43 Man Squamish games can be played this year as there is no back-up at his position.
This was not a terrible blow to the Bears as no games were played last year or the year before due to lack of interest.
|