The Double Issue

October 16th & 23rd, 2008

2 Buffetts For the Price of One

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

Warren Buffett

Ain't he a genius?

Jimmy Buffett

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.


For sale: VHS copy of the classic historical epic "Ernest Saves Wales". 11$ Box 34.
Will trade my deep insecurity for a false sense of purpose. Box 213.
For rent: a large piece of green construction paper. $3/hour. Box 19.
October 21st is International Unwelcome Advice Day. Make sure you tell someone something they don't want to know!
For sale: one filing cabinet filled with recipes for Christmas cake. None of them very tasty. Although the cakes might be good. Box 102.
Single Red Rose seeks thorn for my side. Box 249.
Do you have an aptitude for singing lieder? Can you thread a needle while riding a bike? Are you familiar with the works of Belva Plain? Then you could be the newest addition to our management team! We are looking for well-rounded individuals who love office supplies and the selling of office supplies. We sell staplers. We're Staple World.
The Platform Centre for Photographic and Digital Arts will be running a Dark Room workshop next weekend. Topics covered will be: common locations of light switches, the treatment of shin injuries, the shuffle step and arm swaying for maximum effectiveness. Contact the office to register.



Comments? Questions? Vitriol? Flattery?

Special Edition

This issue marks a special departure for Persiflage. Not only are we posting early this week, Tuesday as opposed to Thursday, but we are also combining the issues for October 16th and october the 23rd (as evidenced by the dates up at the top there on the right - just above the classifieds, the first column, the first column, there that's it.)
The reason for this is that we are renovating our offices. Since none of us want to be around while the floors are sanded, the walls are painted and the new "Cone of Silence" is installed, we have decided to close up shop for a couple of weeks. Rest assured that it will be business as usually starting on the 30th of this month. Thank you for your patience. HB

Managing Your Money - A Guide

The very first thing to remember when you are considering your finances is that money is a tool. It's just like a hammer or a lawnmower or an Allen key. It can be used for some things and be perfectly useful but when turned to a purpose for which it is ill-suited it is good for nothing.

Let me give you a for instance. Let's say you want to buy a house. This is something for which money is well-suited. By collecting together an amount of money and presenting it to the owner of a house you can obtain the aforementioned house for yourself. Then you can move in and do what you like there (within limits). If however you want to wrestle naked with a badger on the surface of the moon your money will do you no good. Why? Well, for one thing you can't breathe the air on the moon and neither can a badger. Money cannot change the physical laws of the universe.

The second thing to remember is that for a tool to work properly you must take care of it. A drill will not drill if it is not kept sharp and well-oiled. A lawn mower will not mow lawns if it is not kept sharp and well-oiled and likewise your money needs to be cared for.

Remember to sharpen and oil your money at least once a week. If you don't care to do this yourself you can ask your banker to do it. Bankers love little chores and all they ask in return is one or two of those little fancy sandwiches. you know the ones I mean - the round ones with the pink cream cheese and half a maraschino cherry in the middle. Yum!

So that's basically it. Take care of your money and it will take care of you.

Dunny Bradstreet

our mutual friend

Mr Backyard Looks at Migration

Our resident Nature expert, Mr. Backyard, examines the question of how and why some birds skedaddle in the fall. You could learn something.

Everybody who lives in this part of the world knows that some birds just don't stay here in the winter. In fact, some we only see for a few short weeks a year. But where is that they go when they aren't here? And why do they do it? Is it something we said?

Well not to worry, this is a perfectly normal phenomenon and all part of Mother Nature's wonderful plan. You see, not all of the birds that we know are equipped to survive our winters. Some of them have no hats or coats or even mitts or gloves and so the cold weather is quite hard for them. Some, like the plucky little sparrow, have those little full underwear suits that fit nicely under their feathers and so they are able to stick around all year. But others like the Canada Goose and the Mallard Duck have found it better to high tail when the cold weather comes.

But where do they go you ask? Well, a sizeable number of geese (Snow AND Canada) own time-shares in Florida and Southern California. They spend their winters there playing shuffleboard and golf (you have no doubt noticed how much geese love golf courses) and making mixed tapes for their friends (geese tend to shy away from CDs and mp3 players for some reason). So there you have it. Isn't Mother Nature wonderful?

Desire Among the Elms

Once upon a time there was an elm tree named Simon who lived in a small copse on the edge of a field with his wife, Diane and his two children, Tammy and Oscar.

The Elms were an average tree family in that they had occasional disagreements with one another that sometimes ended in violence. One time Oscar became so enraged at the earliness of his curfew that he hired a woodpecker to poke his dad in the head. And another time Simon punished Tammy for cutting up his favorite sportcoat by burning some of her leaves. But mostly their disagreements were resolved with recourse to these extreme ends. That is until Tammy started dating.

The real problems started when, one morning at breakfast, Simon noticed that Tammy had been banded. When he demanded to know why and just who she was protecting herself from, Tammy refused to answer. But soon it was revealed that she was dating a young elm named Jan van Houten. Simon, who considered himself open-minded and not at all prejudiced, flew into a rage.

Diane tried unsuccessfully to calm her husband but he could not be reasoned with. He was inflexible and unmoving. Tammy was forbidden to ever see the boy again. That was final he said. But that was not to be.

One day Jan van Houten showed up at the copse to have it out with Simon. He loved Tammy and wanted to marry her. They would move away and start a forest of their own. This was more than Simon could bear and he swung one of his lower stronger branches at the young elm.

But van Houten was younger and springier than the old tree and he successfully dodged the blow. And then he landed one of his own. A strong blow. And, he happened to have, wrapped in the tendrils of his branches a Japanese saw. Simon never saw it coming.

Tammy and Jan ran away together to the city but shortly thereafter Jan succumbed to mysterious illness.

Simon recovered from his wound but he bears the scars to this day. Diane and Oscar correspond with Tammy and sometimes visit but Simon, his pride hurt, still refuses to have anything to do with her.

If you want to see Tammy she lives near the Wolseley end of Clifton Street.

F. Speeking