boldly filling some sort of niche although what that would be we wouldn't like to say

October 18, 2007


Hail Wedded Bliss, Perpetual Fountain of Domestic Sweets.

John Milton

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.


For Sale: a plastic dinosaur that looks quite a bit like John Wilkes Booth. $4 OBO Box 330.
For rent: two longish pieces of string, suitable for tying things together or whatnot. $34/month Box 2278.
Melvin Gorse, noted phrenologist and beekeeper, will be facilitating an open workshop called "When Inappropriate Touching Feels Appropriate" this Saturday at the Institute of Uncomfortable Pauses on Nairn. The workshop runs from 2-4am. Participants are advised to wear sweatpants.
For Sale: complete set of Louis XIV corn holders. Authenticated by the guy who lives downstairs from me. $42 OBO. Reply to Kenny, 32 – 46 Hike Ave., Malebocks, Mb.
Lonely bachelor of indeterminate age seeks similar woman with a penchant for saddle soap. Object: rousing game of cowboy and schoolmarm. Reply to Box 228.
For Sale: Rare erotica. Pinsey’s Illustrated History of Adult Soothers, The Lonely Goatherd, Mr. Big’s Adventure in Littletown and others. Discretion assured (more or less). Reply to Box 169.
Playful boy of forty, interested in N-gauge model trains and Ancient Persian literature (of the non-salacious type) with a love of sunsets and hairless dogs seeks pen-pal (female) for lengthy correspondence about how Gavrilo Princip was framed. Reply to Box 4.
Need housesitter for the week of Nov. 17th. Must be good with ferrets and possess own unicycle. Preference given to amateur phrenologists. Reply directly to Frank Speeking at PERSIFLAGE offices.
Wanted: a large, pool shaped kidney for a boy who carelessly lost his while demonstrating the macarena. Will pay top dollar. Reply to Box 25e.

Tips for Autumnal Living:

Tip #5:  Fall is the perfect time of year for baking. It keeps your home warm and smells great. Also oven mitts are flattering to the figure, especially if you have outsized hands.




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Desmond the Hilarious Pronghorn Antelope Gets Married

Desmond was the envy of the other antelope because he got to travel and not just to Minot or Fargo. Desmond had been to Berlin. Which was in Europe. None of the other antelope had ever been to the Continent (although Whitey claimed to have been to the Azores once).


Desmond's travels had not made him happy. Many days Desmond found himself having little periods when he just sat staring straight ahead thinking nothing. He would fade out of conversations. He would slump down in his chair, the brim of his hat pulled down low and just kind of disappear. Even from himself.

This was a probably as Desmond was now a lot less hilarious. In fact he had slipped to the point where he was only borderline amusing. This was a problem because it was his job to be funny. Desmond taught Improv to impoverished squirrels.

The squirrels Desmond taught were a group of black ones that had moved to the prairies from the capital thinking that life there would be easier. Once they arrived they found it hard to compete with the larger grey squirrels and the faster moving red squirrels. They only joy they got out of life now came from staging little funny improvised scenes in the park. They weren't very good but Desmond helped them with that. But now Desmond wasn't funny and neither were the scenes.

It was pretty obvious to the squirrels that something was wrong with Desmond (black squirrels are known for their intuitive abilities) and it didn't take them long to figure out what it was. Desmond was in love. The squirrels decided he needed a talking to.


Why should being in love be depressing? It seems the problem was that the object of Desmond's affection, a chamois called Olivia (by some), was in Berlin. But this, as the squirrels pointed out to Desmond, was not an insurmountable problem. There were almost daily flights to Europe (where Berlin is located). For some reason this had not occurred to Desmond. He got on a plane that afternoon.

Of course nothing works out that easily. When Desmond got to Berlin he couldn't find Olivia because she had gone to Poland to visit relatives. So Desmond who had smartened up a little bit in the space between paragraphs flew to Poland. There he found Olivia visiting an uncle in the Wroclaw Zoo. With a little convincing he managed to sell her on the idea of marrying him and moving to the prairies (despite her love of the mountains).

All the squirrels were happy because Desmond was hilarious again and they felt that their improv skills were reaching a whole new level. Olivia would laugh as she sat in the park and watched them perform.

C.F. Maynard

fort garry

The Little Girl

Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived with her mother and her two older sisters next to a smallish lake.

Most days, if it was at all nice, the little girl would go out and sit by the lake and watch the ducks. The ducks would swim quietly back and forth and occasionally they would quack and from time to time they would stick their faces in the water. The little girl was pretty sure they were up to something.

Her mother told the little girl that she was being paranoid but she was not dissuaded. Her oldest sister just rolled her eyes whenever the little girl spoke of the ducks but her second oldest sister kind of egged her on.

"You must keep an eye on them." Her second oldest sister said. "You wouldn't want to miss anything."

The little girl had no way of knowing that her second oldest sister was only saying this so that the little girl wouldn't want to follow her second oldest sister when she went to the mall with her friends. The little girl thought she was getting good advice.

Then one day the little girl had a visitor. A nice man in a blue suit came to the door asking for the little girl. When the little girl said that she was indeed the little girl the man in the blue suit handed her the restraining order that the ducks had filed against her.

With the little girl safely out of the way the ducks were free to pursue their plan to kidnap the little girl's second oldest sister.

C.F. Maynard


Mr Rat's Gift From Above

I had only recently escaped from the lab and already I was quite hungry. I was really having a hankering for some of those pellets but I didn't want to go back. Not after everything I'd said. Really burned that bridge. I guess I shouldn't have belittled his education. I'm sure Tulane is a fine university. I was just so sick of those stupid questionnaires. After a while you just don't care. I was filling in those little boxes without even properly reading the questions. What did he expect? You can't do that sort of thing day after day and stay interested. At least I can't.

Anyway I was out and about and free as a bird as they say but I was also hungry. I wasn't sure what the hell I was going to eat. What do rats eat in the wild? I'd heard something about garbage but that seemed pretty unappealing.

Well there I was sitting in this parking lot thinking about this when all of a sudden a piece of pizza fell right in front of me. Boy I sure didn't need an invitation. I grabbed it and ran under a truck. It was cold, which isn't really my preference, but the crust was thin which I do like. And no anchovies thank goodness.

It made me realise, I should have left that place ages ago.

C.F. Maynard