PERSIFLAGE

October 4, 2007

I'd rather be a poor winner than any kind of loser.

George S. Kaufmann

PERSIFLAGE is updated on Thursdays.

Classifieds

Wanted: movies about potatoes. If you are a film maker between the ages of 18 and 30 and have made a film that prominently features (or stars) a potato then we would like to screen your film. We are the Idaho Potato Film Festival (February 11th- 12th) of Boise, Idaho. Send us a synopsis of the film, a few stills (we love homemade vodka) and a cheque (made out to cash) for $400 US and we will consider screening it.
For rent: beautiful ski cabin located in the heart of Headingley. Available December through March. Affordable weekly and monthly rates. Perfect for watching skiing on TV. Box 1960.
PERSIFLAGE is recruiting for its ringette team The Arcana Rosettes. If you have an interest in ringette and scholarly discourse then why not sign up? We play every February 29th.
I am a former student of drama who is starting his own repertory company. If you are interested in acting out scenes from old BJ and the Bear episodes while drinking heavily, contact me. I get the Greg Evigan part, ALWAYS. Must be of legal drinking age. Box 3339.
Wanted: people who are easily bent to my will. Box 11.
For Sale: novelty coasters featuring Ludwig Wittgenstein in a variety of hilarious poses. $2 ea. Box 209.
Available for Halloween: St. Anthony of Padua costume, complete with trombone. Box 21.

Tips for Autumnal Living:

Tip #3:  With the change to colder weather there is a danger that you won't consume enough calories. Always carry a small pie for emergencies.

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persiflagemag@hotmail.com

Famous Marshalls:

Technology: Friend or Foe

A lot of people (over seven)* believe that technology is controlling their life in some way. But perhaps an equal number don't. According to a recent survey conducted by me in my room, 100% of respondents believed that the thermostat did not control the weather in their apartment. They also believed that the thermostat had been placed there by some malevolent force (or forces) with the express purpose of mocking them. In the immortal words of Annie Lennox "Who are we to disagree?"

This raises an interesting question: why didn't Annie Lennox reply to any of my letters back in the 80s? But perhaps more importantly: is technology our friend and if so, why doesn't it write or phone more often?

The first part of that question is easily answered. No. Technology has no feeling for you whatsoever. I know it's hard to take but there it is. Technology, after all, is a cobbled together expression (no word on who did the cobbling - I'll have peach!) and besides it has Greek roots. This is even worse in a word than a dark root is in a blonde head of hair.

Let me make myself clear, before I get letters, I have nothing against Greeks per se but their language is silly.

The word technology comes from the Greek word tehkne (stupid computer won't write Greek characters! - Zorba, now there's a Greek character!) meaning art or craft and the Greek word logos meaning word. Now to me that would mean that technology means art word or craft word, so something like grant or macrame should be the result. How it comes to refer to your Ipod or a GPS is beyond me.

But at any rate, it seems to refer to your toaster (if is new and has an LCD display), your car (if it is new and has an LCD display) or your computer (no matter how old it is). None of these things likes you at all. And what's more they are actively working in concert with an eye (or webcam) to making you look foolish. And guess what? It's working.

Hugh Briss

* I don't mean eight-year olds and their seniors

A Terrifying Mystery

Almond Peterson was a schoolteacher who lived with his maiden aunt in a small cottage near the coast of Nova Scotia. A short kilometre (942 metres) from their front door their was an abandoned lighthouse. There a crazy old man (rumoured to have been the last lighthouse keeper but in actual fact a former file clerk for Public Works) lived with his cocker spaniel, Gasparo.

One day the old man died and Gasparo was left to fend for himself. The very next day Almond's maiden aunt died and Almond was left to fend for himself.

Almond and Gasparo decided that they would throw in their respective lots together and open a bed and breakfast in the old lighthouse. Almond gave up his teaching job, which he had never really liked anyway, and devoted himself to fixing the place up. Gasparo got on the bus and went in to Halifax to see what they would have to do to legally run a B and B there.

He never returned.

The End

No, I'm kidding. Gasparo got all the requisite forms and paid all the requisite fees and on March 11th they opened to a pre-booked full house. All their guests were wonderful and great tippers. Everything went unbelievably smoothly until Gaspar killed Almond with an axe.

And that is The End.

T.C.Crane

Short Explanations Series:
Part Two: Gravity

PERSIFLAGE, in the interest of creating a more intelligent and better informed public, presents, from time to time, very short explanations of natural and social phenomena. Here is the second in the series.

If you drop something it will fall. This is because the earth is very greedy and wants everything for itself.