also pancakes, peter lorre, puerperium (look it up),potatoes, pol pot, panama hat, prestidigitation, pickle, ptomaine (oddly), peruvian, plastic, piranha et cetera (not the words et cetera obviously (that starts with an e and then a c))

Spring 2015

People who think themselves smart, I mean those in the height of fashion, women or men - can they afford to wait any longer before buying their spring wardrobes? -         Colette


For sale: Recording of Ray Charles singing the little known B-side "You've Got the Left One Baby". 300$. Box 1298.
Will trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday. Must be in good condition. Box 30.
For Rent: Sumner cottage. Completely done up with Sting memorabilia. Weekly and monthly rates. Ideal for couple into tantric shenanigans or off-duty constables. Box 02101951.
NOW OPEN! Marvin's House of Exciting Things Specializing in items which are exciting. We have a small fire in our back storeroom, the last few minutes of a car chase in Bullitt, a first kiss, and a balloon ride with one of the Montgolfier Brothers(Jacques-Étienne). Ask about our Customer Rewards program.



Address all mail to:

twittering and tweeting possible here:

Mr. Backyard's Guide to Spring

Regular readers will no doubt be pleased to see the return of PERSIFLAGE's own amateur naturalist Mr. Backyard.

Hey ho! Spring and a young man's fancy turns to…Spring! Ah that most glorious (and seemingly shortest hereabouts) of seasons. Many of you, no doubt, have marked a certain "spring" to your step, a certain return of the ole joie du vivre, a certain stirring of the loins.

All this is Mother Nature's way of announcing her general fecundity. Now, whether or not you are interested in increasing the thundering patter of billions of tiny hooves or no, you must be aware of the drive to procreate that is so strong in this season. All over squirrels, badgers, belted kingfishers and stoats are "getting it on", to use the vernacular, and this is bound to have an effect on one generally.

This can manifest itself in a number of ways. Gentlemen, you may find yourself looking longingly at the peaches at your local fruit supplier and ladies, you may find you have developed a certain fondness for cucumber sandwiches. These things may happen to you, myself, I find that I begin thinking of planting my seed.

suggestive planting photo

Yes, that's right, I don't want just any bar stool draped trollop, I want Mother Earth herself. When Spring rolls around I want to "make it", as the kids say, with that "hottest of chicks", Earth herself. And how do I propose to "bed" this great lady? Why, what do you think gardening is?

Gardening is, in a way, "having relations" with the Earth. Think of it: to begin with one "strips off" the initial layer of sod, then one "strokes" the soil with a hoe or some other implement in order to make the row open and wide enough for planting, one puts on one's latex gardening gloves and slowly and gently inserts the seeds, covers them, enjoys a smoke and then waits the many months until one's little children: the beets, the beans, the carrots etc. spring up ready for eating (okay the metaphor falls down a little there unless you are given to cannibalism).

So, kids, if you want to be a real "dog" with your "posse" then buy yourself a hoe and "get jiggy" with Mutha Earth.

A Spirited Debate

no shoe yet

"I have no idea what you are talking about." He said but he knew exactly what I was talking about.

This was Gustav's usual ploy in these cases. He would assume an indignant air and pretend that I was the one being unreasonable.

"Oh yes you do!" I shouted.

"Of course! You would have a much better idea than I of what I knew or did not know." He replied, rolling his eyes. I hated that.

"Shut up!" I threw the words back at him.

"Very clever." He shot back. "You are clearly one of your generation's great wits."

There it was. The age card. He had played it rather early I thought. I had a response ready.

"I'm surprised you can hear me without your ear trumpet, Grandpa!" He wasn't actually my grandfather. In fact he was only eight months older than me. Also his hearing was excellent. I was just goading him.

It worked. He hit me across the throat with a chair leg he had been hiding on his person for that exact purpose.

"Unkhh" I uttered as I fell to the floor. That more or less ended our discussion.

Mister Haines, our debate coach, was unimpressed. He gave the victory to Gustav but he doubted that he would be able to smuggle a chair leg into the big meet against Oxford.

We were going to have to think of something else.