NEWS
Mars Rock Sample Snatch Ruled Unlikely and Unwise
NASA landed something called Perserverance Rover on Mars back in February 2021 when we were all busy jamming qtips into our brains.
The idea (behind the Rover NOT the qtip jamming) was to grab up a whole bunch of Martian rocks near this big crater in order to seem if there was any life left in 'em.
Apparently the imaginatively named Mars Sample Return Program wasn't super well thought out.
According to some guy at NASA whose name I didn't catch: "Safely landing and collecting the samples, launching a rocket with the samples off another planet — which has never been done before — and safely transporting the samples more than 33 million miles (53 million kilometers) back to Earth is no small task."
So it looks like the whole thing is on hold for now. Sorry to disappoint all you budding Martian rock collectors.
Relevant Much?
Conrad Black in a recent National Post essay stated that... oh who the hell cares?
LIFESTYLES
Changing Trends in Shoes
Well it appears as though Crocs are finally on their way out. Not for any practical reason, like they aren't really good shoes for a whole lot of activities, but because the kids have just had enough.
So what is the new hot trend that is replacing that ubiquitous reptilian footwear? Turns out it is Bearfeet! And yes that's spelled correctly.
The hippest kids (aged 9 to 30) are not forgoing foot coverings, they are wearing fuzzy bear type slippers. Expect chairs and seats to be placed further apart to accomodate the new bigger feetsies.
Good News for the Angry
According to a recent study at the Macallen Institute of Fitness Studies, random outbursts could be the key to improved fitness.
Scientists at MIFS revealed in a news conference that they have been studying the effects of uncontrolled rage on fitness officially for over two months and unofficially since the centre opened five years ago.
Both the anecdotal evidence and the data seem to support the notion that totally losing one's sh*t once a day has a positive effect on cardiovascular fitness.
Dr. Eleanor Waroop, a very fit woman in her late forties, led the study herself despite some initial opposition from her mostly male colleagues. None of whom could be reached for comment as they are currently cowering in the basement of the Institute.
THE ARTS
Confusion Over Public Art
The City of Winnipeg has announced that there will be NO cuts to the Public Art budget in the next fiscal year.
It turns out that City Council originally cut funding to the popular program due to a typographical error in a handout to City Councillors which listed a budget line for Pubic Art [sic].
Councillor Willy Dyck stated "We just didn't want to fund a bunch of giant weiners and vajayjays. We have no problem with nice big sculptures like those bears. Everyone loved those."
Conceptual Art Revenues Decline
The Canada Council's annual report on the state of the arts in Canada has revealed that of all the arts practiced in the country today conceptual art is in the worst financial shape.
It is estimated that last year all the conceptual art created across the country equalled less than 1/10000th of 1 percent of the GDP of the Yukon, or roughly 40000 USD.
If that amount was divided equally amongst all the conceptual artists currently practicing in Canada (86473 according to Revenue Canada) that would mean a median income of less than forty-six cents US or about sixty five cents Canadian.
Obviously that amount is NOT divided equally and so a few conceptual artists are still able to purchase brand name hotdogs.
Local Artist Helps Out
Local performance artist, Ron Balonbon, has founded a new aid organization, Performance Artists Without Borders.
Mr Balonbon announced that he will be travelling to Third World in order to perform his work: Howling for My Uncle's Friend William before groups of refugees.
In an interview with the Crescentwood Daily Shopper, Balonbon stated "Just because these people have nothing doesn't mean they should be deprived of the opportunity to grow as human beings."
The artist went on to state that he hoped this was just a beginning for these types of endeavours.
"It's hard to believe but some of these people have never even seen performance art before."
SPORTS
Bye Bye Biplanes
It was recently discovered that the True North Corporation had considered changing the name of the Winnipeg Jets to the Winnipeg Biplanes as recently as two years ago (2022).
Investigative journalists working for the Plum Coulee Star Ledger Times (PCSLT) revealed that their three year investigation into hockey team names revealed a series of emails discussing the possibility.
Apparently none of the people involved in the email chain had any authority within the organization or were, in fact, taking seriously at all. Still. The Biplanes?
Classifieds
Slambonis, a new hockey/wrestling themed diner is opening in downtown Winnipeg near the MTS Centre and we are hiring for all positions. If you want to work in a fun atmosphere (78 percent nitrogen) and make a lot of tips you should apply. Box 2001.
Both Hands On Your Pipe Now Manitoba's only fully ambidextrous plumber has an office in Brandon. Give us a try. You won't be sorry.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT The Government of Manitoba has announced that it will no longer be accepting hand drawn IDs at any of its MLCC locations. Also anyone wearing a trenchcoat will be required to open it to prove they are not a stack of children.
For sale: original manuscript of the little known Tennessee Williams' play A Streetcar Named Dennis. Surprisingly never produced or published. One million dollars OBO. Box 309.
Click on the empty chair to visit Uncle Glennie's Storytime
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