new background colour and text combination

fairly irritating isn't it?

June 28, 2007

Generalissimo Francisco Franco. Still dead.

-Chevy Chase

Mistah Kurtz. He dead.

-Joseph Conrad

Hugh Briss. Still missing.

-Elrose Watermuldar

PERSIFLAGE is updated Thursdays.


For Sale: The Prison Diaries of Paris Hilton 11 pp incl. hand tinted illustrations; in gold leaf; leather bound. $6 OBO. Box 22.
On Exhibit: Christendom's Largest Collection of Single Socks (over 1200). Includes white, gym, short socks, knee socks etc. A fascinating once in a lifetime event. Murman-Arthur Gallery of Marginal Art (MAGMA) until July 30th.
Tired of going all the way to the store and rifling through endless bags trying to find just the right potatoes? Now at potatoes.com you can order all your potatoes online and have them couriered directly to your home. Join the 21st Century for God's sake!
Summer is the time to be at the lake but many people just don't have access to a cabin or cottage. Now that's no longer a problem. With Dave's Porta-Cottage any stretch of beach or highway can be turned into your own private get-a-way. Made from sturdy corplast and polyvinylchloride Dave's Porta-Cottage is lightweight AND beautiful. Just $39. Act now, summer is here!

Tips for Summer Living:

Tip #2:  It's easy to get overheated in the summer. Make sure to carry a bag of ice with you wherever you go.




The Atheist

Walter was a devout atheist. That is to say, he was adamant in his disbelief in any sort of all powerful, all knowing, guiding presence in the universe, commonly known, in English, as God. This, as you can well imagine, was very upsetting to God.

Ever since Walter had been an adolescent (which was some time ago) he had not believed in God. And he had been pretty vocal about it. If you knew Walter for longer than a few hours then chances were good that you knew he was an atheist.

This bothered God. It bothered him more, of course, that Walter didn't believe in him but every once in a while he caught himself thinking "Couldn't he just keep it to himself?". He realised that this was a fairly small attitude for an omniscient creator of all living things but he couldn't help himself. It just bugged him.

God tried to let it go but he wasn't very successful. Sometimes he would just be sitting by himself watching a sparrow fall and suddenly he would think of Walter and he would be upset all over again. Finally it became obvious that no matter how hard he tried this feeling wasn't going to go away. God decided he had to convince Walter that he existed. The question was how.

God had been revealing himself to saints and madmen and the like for a long, long time but he hadn't done it in a while and although he had revealed himself to doubters on occasion in order to renew their faith, he couldn't remember ever having appeared to convince someone who thought he wasn't that he was. He wasn't sure how to go about it. He didn't want to screw it up.

God was worried that if he did something subtle like burning a bush or parting a sea Walter would just find some alternate explanation for the miracle and nothing would change. He knew he would find that personally upsetting. God also knew that revealing himself in his full glory to a mortal human being was dangerous. Their little brains just couldn't handle that sort of thing. It had a tendency to drive them mad. It was risky.

He knew he had no choice. If he was ever going to convince Walter of his existence it was the only way. He was just going to have to bite the bullet and do it. Let the chips fall where they may. So one morning just as Walter was waking up God did it. He appeared in his full omnipotent glory to Walter in his bedroom before Walter had even had his coffee.

Walter didn't go mad. Walter wasn't overwhelmed and he didn't feel the need to come up with an alternate explanation for the phemomenon. God was surprised but Walter just didn't care. In fact, he totally ignored God. He rubbed his eyes and then got up and went into the bathroom to empty his bladder.

God decided that Walter didn't exist.

The End


Leonard Part Two

Click Here for Part One

Leonard had started wearing his leopard costume and he was happy with it, despite the tightness and the short pants but his big problem was finding super villians to thwart.

In Leonard's limited experience, which mostly consisted of watching TV and reading comics, superheros never had a hard time finding super villians to battle but he had been a superhero for three days now and there was no sign of any nefarious plot that needed his special talents. Nothing was stymying the police or regular law enforcement. There were no natural disasters, no threatening asteroids. Nothing.

Leonard wondered why this should be. Why had he been provided with these marvelous powers if there was no way he could use them to help others? Now that he was a human leopard he longed to use his new talents of climbing and pouncing to better the lot of his fellow citizens and yet there were no opportunities for him to do this.

Then it dawned on him. He was a super villian not a super hero. He was not a hero in search of villian he was a villian for whom there was not yet a hero. It was not his job to help his fellow man. It was his job to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting populace. He had no nemesis. There was no one to stop him.

That night he went to bed early so he could get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow he would get an early start. Civilization should be quaking in its boots. For it was about to meet THE LEOPARD!

The End

Hi. How are you? Things going okay?
We seem to have some extra space here at the bottom of this column. I guess we could have made the picture at the top bigger but it already seemed a bit big. Don't you think?
Anyway, hope you enjoyed this week's PERSIFLAGE but if you didn't... well, learn to live with disappointment.